It's All Fun and Games....Til Someone Forgets Their ID

"The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say to not bring food, sharp tools or any shred of dignity." ~ Jimmy Fallon

20 Questions!  The Alphabet Game!  I Spy!  Slug-a-Bug!  All classic travel games to make a trip more interesting and fun.  But, Butterfly and I discovered a new game on the way home from California.  All you need is 2 TSA Agents, 1 long line of impatient travelers, 1 CIA Agent in Langley, VA, a phone and 0 pieces of ID.   It's called "Jeopardy! TSA Edition", and we played it like a BOSS.

Come on down!

Being selected as a contestant on "J!TE" is really quite an exclusive process.  Only one out of several hundred get a chance to play.  You simply show up in the airport security line like everyone else...with one slight difference.  You don't bring your identification.  It's that simple!  No TSA agent can resist giving you the opportunity to "come on down"!

Once you have been chosen as a competitor for "J!TE", a senior TSA Agent greets you at a special game podium and invites you to play the first round of the game, "To Tell the Truth to the CIA", on the phone. During this round of the show your mother is allowed to watch, but not allowed to coach you in any way, shape or form. Calling a friend, polling the audience or using any kind of lifeline is strictly prohibited. Any coaching from the audience results not only in expulsion from the game, but also a ride to the local CIA office for a bonus round of "Are You a Terrorist?"  ( I'll take "I Swear My Parents are American Citizens" for 500, Alex.)

While playing "To Tell the Truth to the CIA", the contestant is invited to answer questions being asked of the TSA Agent by a CIA Agent for the contestant to answer.  The rules just get more confusing from there.

CIA:  La Paz Ct.
Contestant:  What is...my former address?

CIA:  XXXX
Contestant:  What are....the last four digits of my dad's cell phone?

CIA:  Monty Circle
Contestant:  Ummmm...not sure.....ummmm....I'd like to buy a vowel please.

The "To Tell the Truth" part of the game show has a team bonus round if the contestant is very young and doesn't have much history recorded in Langley.  In this round, "The Mom is Right", the competitor gets to include their mother on the team, because apparently the government has LOTS of information on her....even though she is very young and youthful looking, too.  During this round of the game, the CIA asks questions of the original contestant and when she is unable to answer the question, the CIA requires the TSA to ask the mother the same question and one more...just to make sure she is Telling the Truth.

If you make it out of the "To Tell the Truth" and "The Mom is Right" rounds, you move on to "Make Me Laugh TSA Tickle Edition".  I know this because we progressed to this part of the game, which involved walking through two different body scanners that actually required you to do some "TSA Twister" game moves first.  After the contestant is given the literal green light on the body scanners, they are escorted to the game stage for a full patdown.  But the fun doesn't stop there!  Oh no, the fun. Does. Not. Stop. There.

Once the contestant manages to not giggle through the patdown, they progress to the last round of the game. That would be the "Let's Swab Your Deals" round.  In this exciting game, the competitor is racing against the clock as the TSA Agent opens any and all luggage and wipes it down with some kind of coffee filter thing.  Every item in the carry on is opened and swabbed, then the filter is put in a machine which scans it for...for....well, I don't exactly know - BUT...if you can have all your items swabbed without setting any alarms off in time to make your flight, you move on to the last event....

"Run for Your Life".  In this round, both contestant and Mom make a mad dash to their airline gate because playing "Jeopardy!  TSA Edition" has taken up all the time that would have allowed for a leisurely meander to the gate.  In this last round, contestants bolt to the gate, run onto the plane and buckle up in a VERY limited amount of time.  It is in this last round of the game, when the contestants think they have won the jackpot, that they find out there is one more game to play.  "This is Your Life (Flashing Before Your Eyes)".  In this final round of the whole game, the contestants join a whole team of airline passengers strapped into flimsy seats for a ride that bounces you from CA to CO.  Awards go to competitors for "Loudest Prayers", "Child with the Largest Lung Capacity", "Synchronized Screaming" and more!  If you can make it the whole two hours without throwing up, you win the Jackpot...they let you off the plane safely at your intended destination.

Game shows not your cup of tea?  Then REMEMBER YOUR ID!

Gotta Mosey.

Get Out Of Denver, Better Go! Go!

“The people in flight from the terror behind-strange things happen to them, some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that the faith is refired forever.”  ~ John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

I am back from my trip to California.  And when I say, "I am back", let me tell you, that was no easy feat!  Just about every single fear I have related to flying in an airplane and being in an airport were confirmed on my trip!  So...if you are tuning in today to see how to survive the wild ride from Denver to San Jose and back again...you picked a great day to blog surf!

Every SINGLE thing that could go wrong, went wrong at the Denver Airport at the start of our travels.  Every. Single. Thing.  Starting with the drive up to the airport.

If you have read about my other escapades at the airport here, then you know that before you even get on a flight in Denver, you have had to overcome several other challenges first.  But this day was like no other I have experienced.  On this particular day that we departed for the airport, it seemed like the same ol' thing. We were blown all over the highway again.  There were the usual tumbleweeds to keep the near 70 mile obstacle course interesting. This time, however, we had an added new bonus I had not experienced before. We were transported to Depression Era Oklahoma!  Yes!  It is true....both Time and Geographical Travel overcame us on our drive in our Dodge TARDIS.  As we made our way toward the airport, it became darker, and darker. We looked northwest, but all we could see was an ENORMOUS dust cloud of depression era proportion!  I expected the Joads to pull up alongside us in their jalopy at any moment.  As the wind grew gustier, the dust became so thick we could hardly see the other cars on the road.  Great!  As I considered both the wind and visibility factors for my flight, it was hard to tell if the car was shaking from the gale force winds blowing it, or from me shuddering from sheer terror.  It was the first time ever that I couldn't wait to get to the airport...if only to escape the blind car ride.

Road to Denver International Airport (kinda)

Once we actually arrived at the airport a whole other trial confronted us!  How to get our bags out of the car without them or us blowing away!  We were having gusts of 60 mph winds and our suitcases were paying the price.  But the worst was how the wind blew us!  As I grabbed a hold of Butterfly to pull her into the safety of the airport (there is a term I never thought I would use...or would be true!), I had a vision of her flying up in the air and me flying her like a kite while I tried to wrestle her inside.  It was horrifying, I tell you!

Me and Butterfly

It is hard to believe that I actually felt safer at the airport than on the road....but that tells you just how bad it was.  As we made our way into the the airport, it seemed the horrible parts were coming to an end and I would only have to deal with my irrational fear of flying now.  But, it just can never be that easy if involves me, a trip and an airplane.  Sigh.

After Butterfly and I checked in and gave our personal belongings over to airline staff, we climbed aboard the train to take us to the C Terminal where our airline was located.  We exited the train and decided to eat a little dinner and calm ourselves myself for our flight.  After we finished our extremely overpriced and barely average dinner (not exactly what I had hoped for for what could possibly be my last meal...even criminals get something better than that!), we headed over to our gate and found...it didn't exist.  Well at least not in the C Terminal!  Turns out, ha, ha, that our airline actually has gates in TWO terminals on opposite ends of the airport, and we were in the wrong one.  Remember the OJ Simpson Hertz ads?  Yeah, that was us!  We ran all the way to the train and then we ran all the way to our gate, where everyone was already lined up.  As we stood gasping for air, we listened to the announcement coming over the loudspeaker for our flight.  It seemed our plane had ice on the wings.  Which is bad.  But, we had plenty of de-icer. Which is good.  But, it was so windy that they couldn't de-ice the plane because the fluid kept icing up due to the wind gusts.  Which is very, very bad.  

Did I mention that the reason the winds were so cold was because we had a blizzard on the way?  And that every minute we stayed on the ground increased our chances of not being able to leave?  Or, worse yet, having to fly through the blizzard?! True story.

We sat awaiting more information and making polite conversation with people around us.  When our plane was 3 hours delayed, people around us started booking hotel rooms and getting taxis.  But, still we waited.  When we were 3.5 hours delayed, the woman next to us finally admitted she was hoping they would cancel the flight as "she didn't want to die today anyway."  I laughed and admitted that I was scared to fly too...especially since if we weren't cancelled, we had to hope the de-icer actually worked and then we would be flying through the blizzard.  Directly following this conversation, when our flight was 3.5 hours and two minutes delayed and all of our confessions of fear and death were still hanging in the air, they announced that they would be boarding our plane!

Before they started boarding, I made a trip to the restroom where I ran into a nun.  No....I don't mean I came into the bathroom and there was a nun.  I mean as I was rounding the corner to the bathroom from one side, she was rounding the corner from the other and I ran into her and stepped on her habit!  Surely, I thought, there is some sort of divine discipline for stepping on a nun!  And as I pondered what that might possibly mean for me on this flight, I remembered seeing a nun on a plane before....

Anyone remember the fun flick this clip is from?  Yeah, that's right.....the 1975 disaster film, Airport 1975, about a jet that collides with a smaller plane and fights against gravity without a pilot for the rest of the film!  Not only that....but check out the cutie pie that the nun is singing to.  Is anyone else freaked out that the nun is singing to the kid from the Exorcist???  In my mind, my flight was spiraling downward, possibly in a literal sense, as I left the restroom and noticed the Sister was on our flight.  Really?!  Oh, God has such a sense of humor!

It was amongst all of this that I boarded our flight with fear and trepidation....and flew one of the smoothest flights I have been on in a long time.  I am sure Butterfly was more thankful than I about that.  

Overall, the flight was tolerable and led to a great trip.  I will have to tell you more about that later, cuz right now, I

Gotta Mosey.

Leavin' On a Jet Plane

"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." ~ Henry Miller

Well, today is the day.  California, here I come.  On a plane.  For two hours.  Ugh.

No secret if you read my blog....I HATE flying.  I KNOW it is an irrational fear and that blah, blah, blah (all the reasons people give me to feel completely comfortable while being in the sky, which God did not intend - proven by the fact that I do not have wings, or even feathers...but I digress).  I still hate air travel.

I tried to do a little research on overcoming my flight anxiety, but the articles I read were worthless.  Okay, I only read one.  Well, really just part of one article.  But, trust me, it was worthless.  It was written by a flight attendant who feared flying (that should have been my first clue that perhaps this "professional" was not going to share anything helpful...who picks a career that terrifies them???...but, I digress again).  The author of the article mentioned ONE thing that helped them face their fear of flying:  learning everything they could about plane crashes.

WHAT?

Yep, you heard that right.  Study, learn about, ruminate on plane crashes.  The actual falling from the sky and impacting the ground really hard in a giant, airborne (or not so much, as the case may be) vehicle.  Yes, nothing says calm and level-headed like learning about plummeting thousands of feet in the air.  I read the first three sentences, broke out in a cold sweat and then passed out.  The good news is, when I came to, I had a much better way of dealing with my flight today than learning about airline accidents.

I started thinking about what would make me enjoy air travel more.  I think I have come up with a pretty good list...see what you think.

1. In-flight Massage.  Yes, this would definitely help me relax and tolerate the flight more.  And I am not talking about some cheesy, coin operated "magic fingers" massage chair.  I want a real massage therapist.  One that not only works muscle relaxing magic, but who can also restrain me when we hit turbulence and I try to jump up and bolt.  And if I didn't actually have to get on the plane and the massage could somehow take place on a beach that I didn't have to fly to, that would be even better.

2. Live Entertainment.  Here is what I find about in-flight entertainment.  Your flight is either too short to have a movie, or the movie they show is about plane crashes or you get a great comedy and then land before it is over! And that comedy is usually some obscure film that is not carried by either Netflix OR Amazon and you never find out if monkey found the secret to life and saved the planet through his humorous antics or not. And you spend the next three years tortured for want of closure.  But, again, I digress.  I believe the best way to offer an entertaining distraction that also does not strike fear and frustration in the heart of the traveler is to have live entertainment.  I know I would happily pay 100.00 more for a flight where Tim Hawkins or Jerry Seinfeld was headlining.  Or better yet, David Copperfield.  He could make our plane disappear and then magically reappear at our destination seconds later.  Yes!  I vote for David Copperfield!!!!

3. Treadmills.  Not to actually use.  I hate treadmills.  But that is the beauty of this ingenious idea!  If given the choice to sit all chill in an airplane seat, crammed between two unpleasant passengers or walk/run on a dreadmill for the duration of the flight, I think I might just enjoy flight more than previously thought.  And if sitting calmly on the flight proves to be more than I can bear, I would have the option of using the treadmill to burn off nervous energy.

4. Airplane Smorgasbord.  But with real food...not that airline, prepackaged, rehydrated gross stuff.  Nothing says "calm, cool and collected" like stress eating comfort food.  I think the whole flight should be catered by Cracker Barrel.  And the meal should include the golf tee game, which would keep me completely occupied, albeit, frustrated throughout the remainder of the flight.  Bring on the biscuits!

5. Hot towels.  This is a little service that usually only first class or international passengers receive.  I think this little mid-air refresher should be available to every traveler on every flight.  No matter how short the flight or poor the passenger.

And also, the towel should be sufficiently drenched with ether.  Yes, this is the best idea.

Well, I leave soon, so pray for me.  But more than that, pray for Butterfly, who has to endure the flight with me!

Gotta Mosey!

Gotta Mosey Fun Factory

Many moons ago, we were just a family of 5.  The Big Kahuna, me and three darling little girls.  We went to the American Girl Store.  We went out to tea.  We went to musicals and symphonies and museums.  Quiet, cultured events...those are the places to which we traveled.

Then...

came...

the BOYS.

Boys are not nearly as satisfied to shop or sit and listen to live music as girls are.  Not at 6 and 8 years old.   They have many moving parts, and they want to go places that do, too!  Recently, that has made travel plans a lot more involved than the previous 15 years or so.

So what are trendy travelers to do when their snips and snails and puppy dog tails demand equal vacation time?  Find places that move and shake as much as they do, that's what!  It seems to me it is time to start planning a factory tour tour!  Taking a tour of factories that offer amazing factory tours where the boys can watch stuff happen seems like a brilliant idea to me.  Here are some of the factories I have been researching and would like to take them.

1.  Mack Truck Factory:  When the Lizard Boy was little and Spidey was a baby, we had a video called, "Lots and Lots of Trucks".  Whenever we put that movie on, the boys would squeal and coming running and crawling to watch the likes of bulldozers, dump trucks and Bigfoot.  But their favorite sequence was the part with all the semi trucks driving from one end of the country to the other.  I think the only thing that would make this tour more fun for the boys is if they got to drive a Mack Truck themselves!

If you have little guys that love trucks, but you aren't headed to Pennsylvania anytime soon, consider investing in this gem to tie them over until you can get out East.

2. Ford Rouge Factory Tour:  This tour of the Ford factory in Dearborn, MI, is more of an experience rather than a plain tour.  This tour includes a movie on the history of Ford and the factory, a "multisensory theater experience", an Observation Deck tour, an Assembly Plant walking tour, and a Legacy Gallery.  The Ford tour is an all day event!  With lots and lots of cars and assembly lines.  Everything moves! Of course, sparking interest in classic American cars could turn out to cost us a lot of money.  Better to take the kids when they have a job!

3. American Whistle Corporation:  The American Whistle Corporation is located in Columbus, OH.  They are the ONLY metal whistle manufacturer in the US.  The American Whistle Corporation makes products that are used daily by the American Red Cross, referees of all sports and teachers on yard duty everywhere!  Not only do the folks at The American Whistle Corporation show you how they go from coiled brass to a finished whistle, they actually explain how a whistle works.  The boys will like the combination of hands on production melded with robotic processes.  Me?  I want to go for one reason.  To find out how in the WORLD they get the ball inside the whistle!

4. Louisville Slugger Factory Tour:  Now, just to prove we are not all about the boys in our family, here is one for Junior!  She is the sports enthusiast in the family.  A bigtime hockey and baseball fan!  The Louisville Slugger Factory is located, coincidentally, in Louisville, KY.  It has a SIX story replica of The Babe's bat upside the outside of its factory.  Inside, you will not only find the factory where the sluggers themselves are produced, but also a batting cage, a signature wall, museum, Lego recreations of baseball stadiums, and several galleries!  An added bonus at the factory is the opportunity to buy a personalized bat.  In any color, with any name or any team logo on it!  But, if you don't have room in your Scootcase for a fullsized Louisville Slugger, every single person on the tour gets a mini one to take home.  Woot!

5. Crayola Factory:  The Crayola Factory in Easton, PA is currently closed for remodeling.  They are promising an even more interactive and exciting tour!  This tour is for Butterfly, who gets lots of time with Crayola products as a preschool art teacher...and who has also had an obsession with the crayon manufacturing process since she watched it come to life on "Reading Rainbow" when she was a child!  I have long wanted to tour this factory, too.  Ever since Mr Rogers took us there through Picture Picture when I was a little kid!  The museum actually has their one billionth crayon that they made.  And Mr Rogers was the one who poured it!  So really, this tour is all about nostalgia!  Besides the Rogers Crayon, the factory has the world's largest crayon on display.  It is 15 feet long and 1500 pounds!  Try breaking that one!  

Oh my goodness!  Crayons! Colors! and Mr Rogers!  I am getting dizzy just thinking of the waxy goodness!!!

6. Lyon and Healy Harp Factory:  This one is for Jef, our resident harpist...and for me who LOVES harp music!!!  Jef actually owns a Lyon and Healy pedal harp.  Lyon and Healy is the most famous American harp manufacturer and also has a huge reputation worldwide as well.  Lyon and Healy is located in Chicago, IL and also has a factory tour to offer.

It's a good thing we can't fit one of THOSE in our Scootcase either!  Unfortunately, they don't make a free mini version for tour attendees.  But, oh that Heavenly Sound!

7. Hershey's "Factory Tour":  And just for me...a trip to Hershey, PA for the chocolate company's "factory tour".  This really isn't a tour at all, it is actually a ride.  A short ride.  That ends with FREE SAMPLES!!!  I love that the ride is short because it gets you on to the more exciting parts of the factory like, Create Your Own Candy Bar Experience, Hershey's Chocolate Tasting Adventure, Hershey's Kisses Packaging (who needs packaging...I will just pop them right in my mouth!), Hershey's Dessert Creation Studio and the Hershey's Bake Shop!!!  Maybe it is just that I have had a stressful week, but this factory tour..which isn't really a tour at all seems to be the BEST tour yet!

So, there you have it!  A tour of Factory Tours!  How fun to see how some of our favorite things are made and satisfy our curiosity and see things in a new light!  I am inspired to go make something now, or eat chocolate - I can't decide which, so I

Gotta Mosey!

Heart and Seoul

"I shall make that trip.  I shall go to Korea." ~ Dwight D. Eisenhower

As I am finishing (read: STARTING) my laundry for my California trip and thinking about the best way to pack for a conference and erratic California temperatures without taking my whole closet, I have found myself reminiscing about other journeys I have taken.  I have had the opportunity to traverse the US several times, I have traveled from practically one end of Canada to another by train, I have even tolerated a jaunt to France (never again), but no trek I have ever taken compares to the one I took in October 2007.

In October 2007, we got a call from our adoption agency in Colorado that our agency in Korea had finalized, submitted and had received approval on all the paperwork it took to bring our son, Spidey, home.  In a matter of hours, we dropped off our kids and dog with friends and hopped a flight to Seoul, South Korea.

It drove me crazy when we got to Korea, because we could only see our son twice before we could get on a plane to bring him home.  That means just TWO 45 minute visits, on two different days....and we were in Korea for EIGHT days!  What do you do for the other 6 days?  Well, we distracted ourselves with a lot of sightseeing.  And in the course of those trips, we met a lot of fantastic people!

Going to Korea to bring Spidey home was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  But besides the enormous blessing of my son, there was this incredible vacation that Kahuna and I got to experience.  Korea is the most fabulous place I have been.  I would go back in a heartbeat!  We had an amazing time, met amazing people, saw amazing things and were just...well...amazed the whole time we were there!  I HIGHLY encourage everyone to consider taking a trip there.

Korean National Treasure:  The North Gate (before it burned down)

Still need convincing?  Here are some of the top observations I made while there in 2007...(added notes from today in red)


1. Seoul REALLY reminds me of San Francisco....only A LOT bigger!
2. My husband no longer stands out in the crowd.....thereby making it a lot harder to keep track of him. If your spouse is Asian...consider bringing neon clothes for them.
3. Bibimbop is manna from Heaven! Everyone should try it. I ate it EVERY single day we were in Korea and now know how to make it at home!  I even have the stone bowls in which to prepare it!
4. Korea smells different than the US. It smells like garlic with a little underscent of cabbage. Yummy!
5. Everyone uses mass transit, all the time, all day long, everywhere you go......it is crowded.
6. Cleanest subways I have ever seen!   
7. Aussies are VERY fun to hang out with!! If you are traveling to Korea, I hope some are here to share time with.  There were a lot of Australians in Korea when we were there and we had a wonderful time hanging out with them...which leads me to believe somewhere in my future is a vacation in the Land Down Under.
8. I have yet to see one letter of graffiti anywhere!!!
9. Everyone is dressed like they are going to church.  I felt underdressed everywhere we went...but I was assured that the Koreans understood that we "are just Americans"?!!
10. Knee socks and high heels....together.....BIG fashion here!  And somehow they pulled it off magnificently!
11. Favorite accessory in Korea.....Ipod. (some things seem to be similar with the US!)
12. If you stop and look confused, people will try to help you.  The people in Korea were SO nice and willing to talk with you and help in any way!  This was a huge plus, considering how my trip to France was the ABSOLUTE, complete opposite.  Did I mention I am never, ever, ever going back to France?
13. Kimchi pancakes....also manna from Heaven! Gotta have it!  Glad I had them, they ended up being Spidey's favorite dish (still is).
14. Soju is extremely overrated. Pass.  Definitely pass.
15. Hyundais are pretty good looking cars.  Though, it was kind of hard to tell for sure when they came  speeding AT you at 70 mph!
16. Samsung makes everything...electronics, cars, ships, the list goes on and on.
17. In 1975, most houses in Korea still had thatched rooves!
18. I have not seen one homeless person yet.
19. Instant coffee tastes better the more caffeine withdrawal you go through!
20. We love Seoul!!! It is beautiful, the people are wonderful, the guests at the guest house where we are staying are so much fun and we are so thankful for the opportunity to be here!  I want to go back so badly!

Sometimes, I wonder if Korea was all a dream.  Spidey has been with us so long and is such a Yuen, that I can hardly remember that there was a time he wasn't with us.  I wonder if I have such an attachment to Korea because of the reason I was there.  I know that has to be part of it.  But, while reading over this list that I made 6 years ago, I remember that it wasn't just Spidey.  Korea is beautiful and the people are wonderful.  In some ways, it WAS a dream...a lovely one.  And one I can't wait to relive one day.

SPIDEY!!!  Wasn't he cute????

Because I went there and because I had such a connection to Seoul and the people there, I can't help but be extremely saddened by the escalating tension between North Korea and South Korea.  I continue to pray for both nations and for peace of mind for the South Koreans especially.  Please join me.

And while I am praying for them, I will be digging out all my bermuda shorts and washing everything else so I can go to California.  So...pray for me, too.  I hate laundry.

Gotta Mosey!

Cookin' Like a Native

"Bork!  Bork!  Bork!" ~ The Swedish Chef

After my trip to IKEA, I decided I needed to do a little more research in preparation for my trip to Lindsborg this fall.  I am taking an online Swedish Cooking Class.  

Here is my first lesson:

Gotta Mosey!

Daytripper - Min Svenska Semester

After finally getting some good travel weather here in Colorado, I decided to make a trek with the family.  I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone.  I would prepare for my fall trip to Lindsborg, KS, where I will be searching for Dala Horses while dancing in the street, AND buy some much needed new bowls.  And when you are buying cheap consumer goods and rubbing elbows with all things Swedish here in the States, you can only be at one place!

IKEA.

Yes, I know everything one buys at IKEA is only expected to last a short time.  But, I am still not convinced that is because it is poor quality.  I think it has something to do with the fact that we Americans cannot read the Swedish assembly directions, nor can we understand the schematic pages included.  It matters not...IKEA is a one day Swedish Vacation.  A chance to experience a little bit of Scandinavia without paying big bucks and mental breakdowns to fly there.  It's perfect!  So off we went.

It has been a long time since I have gone to IKEA with the whole family.  As a matter of fact, I am not sure Lizard Boy has ever been, and in his 6 little years, I know Spidey has never set foot inside.  Even the Big Kahuna hasn't braved the store since Junior was a baby, 12 or 13 years ago!  Have you ever had that experience where something seemed pretty cool when you went with your friends, but then you went again with your family and you had a whole different filter?  The things that were "neat" before, are slightly wrong now that you are with children?  Yeah, that happened to me, too.

It's not that IKEA is a bad place.  It's just...hmmm...it's just....uhhhh....it's just...not quite right in the head.  It is kind of like going to the circus.  You know it is supposed to be fun.  You know it should awe and amaze you.  But, really, you're just waiting for a clown to rip out a Psycho knife and go to town on the audience!  Somethin' ain't quite right.  And going to the retail moderskepp (mother ship) with my kids made me acutely aware of that fact!

Still trying to figure out what I am talking about?  Let me give you some examples:

Probably the most difficult thing to overcome, at first, is that nothing is as it seems. Due to the items' "unique European design", it is hard to tell what their use is.  Swedish things don't look like American things.  So, we need labels.  Which IKEA complies with...not that it helps us understand Scandinavian reasoning. Nothing is just a cup or a vase or a blanket.  No, they all have crazy names. Take for instance...this unusual item.

In the words of Lizard Boy..."What IS that?"  Unfortunately, I could not answer him.  The good news on this particular item, however, is that it did come with a label....

Ahhhh, yes, of course!  A bowl!  I never would have guessed with all the holes in it, that it would be a device for eating, say, soup, out of!  Those wacky Swedes!  Ha ha, chuckle, chuckle, cough, cough....gag.

To my chagrin, this was the last item that was clearly labeled.  Everything else was just a crap shoot!  Some things were obvious, like this lovely child's toy:

It is obviously a play tent.  In fact, in IKEA-ese, it is a:

That was an easy one.  But from there on out, no names gave any clue as to what the item was!  If I had been given a handful of tags with instructions to match it to the item in the store they represented...I would still be there!  Honestly, I felt like I was trapped in Disney's The Little Mermaid.  I was looking for Snarfblatts and Dinglehoffers the whole time I was there.  

But the labeling turned out to be the least of my worries.  

Really the most sinister side of IKEA became evident as we entered the Children's section, or as they call it, Smol-something-or-other.  I can't remember anymore.  It's all just a tangle of letters and umlauts after awhile!!  Anyway...the kids section is where I began to have grave concerns regarding bringing my children to IKEA.  This should have been the "safe" section of the store, but it was like the carnival.  Bright colored, inviting, with fun music and little animals frolicking on all of their wares....but you were still waiting for a wicked carnie to jump out at you at any moment!  It seemed innocuous at first.  But that's how they hook you.  It is so inviting, the barnavdelning (children's section).  They entice the youngsters with a fun little entrance that puts them on their knees to crawl into the Rabbit Hole that leads them to some freakish version of Wonderland (and that is saying something, because Alice in Wonderland is freakish already!)

I should have known all was not as it seemed.  Considering this foreboding entrance...

Oh, sure, at first glance it looks like all  friendship and huggy hearts, but what it really is is just a reworking of this little lovely...

Dead Kids Tell No Tales

  Once you make your way through the crawlspace, IKEA then starts instilling a false sense of security in your children.  Like the bully at school who befriends you first and then pummels you for lunch money later!  It seems innocent enough...sweet bunnies in magicians' hats.  

Or cute Moosenkuffen:

Or Frogelmonkeystats:

Toys for children.  Sweet children.  Sweet toys.  But in reality, it is just like the evil Queen and King in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...luring children out into the streets with toys, candy and Swedish Meatballs and then locking them up in prison!  As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is Swedish for, "We got you now, you little pipsqueaks!"

Note the driver's Evil Magician Hat!

Before you know it, your children are spirited away from you as they wander further into the IKEA Children's Section, where the Super Store continues their sick plot to completely wig your kids out!  It is all a subtle attack to play with your kids' heads.  For example, look at these sweet curtains, with the very popular owl motif we see everywhere...

Cute, right?  Moons and sleepytime birds watching over your little sweet peas.  Doesn't get much more innocent, does it?  OR DOES IT????  Have a closer look....

Just as your little darlings are saying, "Good Night Moon" to their dreamy curtains, this GIANT spider comes into view!  REALLY?  Do Swedes not have enough trouble trying to get their kids to sleep like we Americans do??  WHY do there need to be tarantulas hiding in every pleat?!  Mean, I tell you...just plain contemptible!  

But maybe you are one of the smart ones.  You see the poisonous spider on these curtains, so you opt for animal friend curtains instead.  Something to send your kiddos off to Sweet Dreamland.  Furry, fuzzy, fun and cute. 

What could be more inviting to Dreamville than these little critters trotting along.  In fact, they seem to be in a hurry to get to Sandland.  On closer observance, though, we see their pace has nothing at all to do with getting to sleep.  They are actually trying to escape the jowls of their fearsome enemy!

Ah yes, nothing (in Sweden) says, "Sleep Tight!" like the ravenous Big, Bad Wolf!  That poor unsuspecting porcupine is just like your innocent babies!!!!  

So what is a kid to do when they are surrounded by hulking spiders and murderous wolves in their bedroom at night?  Hide in their little garden-themed bedding of course.  (also available at IKEA)

Now, THAT's more like it.  A precious garden to lay down their little sleepy heads.  Tranquil and serene.  Or is it?  I ask you....OR IS IT?!  Because look at who oversees the garden!

Oh sure, there are little hearts between the couple.  But, c'mon.  You know this is all you see when you look at this bedspread:

Also Scandinavian, I might add....Freaks!

How is THAT supposed to relax a Kindergartner?!  It's just a nightmare waiting to happen!!!  It's that kind of freakshow that caused Jef to ask, upon escaping the Kids' Nightmare on Alm Gata, "Is that a chair or a dead frog?"  You be the judge....it's hard to tell at IKEA.

Once, we got out of the Children's area, we were hungry from wandering the IKEA maze for THREE HOURS.  So, we meandered around for another half hour as we tried to find our way upstairs to the cafe, where we found this little peace of mind before ordering dinner:

No horse meat there!  No matter...we might not have cared.  We were just hungry, scared and scarred tourists at this point!  We just needed food and an escape route! Which we found, tak och lov!

As we counted ourselves lucky to make it out of IKEA without losing any children, we noticed two things that may explain why IKEA executives have hindered judgment:

A little too much of this available to them in the store:

Just WHAT makes it so festive??

And check out what they supply in the parking lot on the way out:

In any case, I ended up with some fantastic bowls at a fraction of the cost of what I would have been charged at a less adventurous store, so I count it as a profitable vacation.

Have you ever been to IKEA?  Let me know your survival stories in the comments section!  Right now, I

Gotta Mosey!