Leavin' On a Jet Plane

"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." ~ Henry Miller

Well, today is the day.  California, here I come.  On a plane.  For two hours.  Ugh.

No secret if you read my blog....I HATE flying.  I KNOW it is an irrational fear and that blah, blah, blah (all the reasons people give me to feel completely comfortable while being in the sky, which God did not intend - proven by the fact that I do not have wings, or even feathers...but I digress).  I still hate air travel.

I tried to do a little research on overcoming my flight anxiety, but the articles I read were worthless.  Okay, I only read one.  Well, really just part of one article.  But, trust me, it was worthless.  It was written by a flight attendant who feared flying (that should have been my first clue that perhaps this "professional" was not going to share anything helpful...who picks a career that terrifies them???...but, I digress again).  The author of the article mentioned ONE thing that helped them face their fear of flying:  learning everything they could about plane crashes.

WHAT?

Yep, you heard that right.  Study, learn about, ruminate on plane crashes.  The actual falling from the sky and impacting the ground really hard in a giant, airborne (or not so much, as the case may be) vehicle.  Yes, nothing says calm and level-headed like learning about plummeting thousands of feet in the air.  I read the first three sentences, broke out in a cold sweat and then passed out.  The good news is, when I came to, I had a much better way of dealing with my flight today than learning about airline accidents.

I started thinking about what would make me enjoy air travel more.  I think I have come up with a pretty good list...see what you think.

1. In-flight Massage.  Yes, this would definitely help me relax and tolerate the flight more.  And I am not talking about some cheesy, coin operated "magic fingers" massage chair.  I want a real massage therapist.  One that not only works muscle relaxing magic, but who can also restrain me when we hit turbulence and I try to jump up and bolt.  And if I didn't actually have to get on the plane and the massage could somehow take place on a beach that I didn't have to fly to, that would be even better.

2. Live Entertainment.  Here is what I find about in-flight entertainment.  Your flight is either too short to have a movie, or the movie they show is about plane crashes or you get a great comedy and then land before it is over! And that comedy is usually some obscure film that is not carried by either Netflix OR Amazon and you never find out if monkey found the secret to life and saved the planet through his humorous antics or not. And you spend the next three years tortured for want of closure.  But, again, I digress.  I believe the best way to offer an entertaining distraction that also does not strike fear and frustration in the heart of the traveler is to have live entertainment.  I know I would happily pay 100.00 more for a flight where Tim Hawkins or Jerry Seinfeld was headlining.  Or better yet, David Copperfield.  He could make our plane disappear and then magically reappear at our destination seconds later.  Yes!  I vote for David Copperfield!!!!

3. Treadmills.  Not to actually use.  I hate treadmills.  But that is the beauty of this ingenious idea!  If given the choice to sit all chill in an airplane seat, crammed between two unpleasant passengers or walk/run on a dreadmill for the duration of the flight, I think I might just enjoy flight more than previously thought.  And if sitting calmly on the flight proves to be more than I can bear, I would have the option of using the treadmill to burn off nervous energy.

4. Airplane Smorgasbord.  But with real food...not that airline, prepackaged, rehydrated gross stuff.  Nothing says "calm, cool and collected" like stress eating comfort food.  I think the whole flight should be catered by Cracker Barrel.  And the meal should include the golf tee game, which would keep me completely occupied, albeit, frustrated throughout the remainder of the flight.  Bring on the biscuits!

5. Hot towels.  This is a little service that usually only first class or international passengers receive.  I think this little mid-air refresher should be available to every traveler on every flight.  No matter how short the flight or poor the passenger.

And also, the towel should be sufficiently drenched with ether.  Yes, this is the best idea.

Well, I leave soon, so pray for me.  But more than that, pray for Butterfly, who has to endure the flight with me!

Gotta Mosey!