Beats Driving Through Utah

"I hate flying.  Know why?  Because no one REALLY understands how planes actually work."

~ Adam Levine

I am now just four weeks away from traveling to California.  By airplane.  Which I hate.  A lot.  But, I am trying not to think about it and just prepare for the trip.  If I am honest though, as I make lists and update documents and think about wardrobe, I have to admit that the sinking feeling keeps entering my mind.

So, today, I share my therapy session.  That is, my list of reasons to appreciate flying to California instead of driving there.

The Top Reasons I am Glad That I am Not Driving to California

1. I will not have to look at Utah.   Utah ties with Arizona as the third ugliest state I have ever been in (with first and second place going to New Mexico and Nevada respectively).  And for all you people who enjoy the "unique rock formations" that Utah has to offer, let me just say, NO amount of cool rock formations can save that state from me calling it what it is - UG-A-LY!

2.  I will not have to drive through the Mojave Desert.  The only thing uglier than Utah is the Mojave Desert, which consists solely of dirt, heat and Joshua Trees.  I have learned on my numerous drives through that blighted area of California, that the only Joshua Tree I like is the album by U2.

3.  The airplane cabin is pressurized.   Thus eliminating the need to wear protective eye wear to arm myself against "spitting" applesauce and chip packages, as you must when driving in Colorado elevations.

4.  I won't have to drive past the Stockyards in Bakersfield.  I don't care WHO isn't wearing deodorant on the plane, the smell will never be as offensive as hundreds of cows in acres of their own "fertilizer"!

5.  I only have to endure 2.5 hours, instead of 2 days to reunite with friends and family that I miss tremendously!   'Nuff said.

I am off to print out this list so that I can continue referring to it whenever I start to panic about flying to California.

Gotta Mosey!

Road Trip Dinner Party

"Eating in Sweden is really just a series of heartbreaks." ~ Bill Bryson

"Yeah?  Try Utah." ~ Jill Yuen

As I prepare for my trip to California next month, I am lamenting the fact that I must fly.  Not just because I don't like to, but because there are certain road trip "perks" you just don't get to experience when you cut 18 hours off your travel time.

My family has been on enough Road Trips to know the ins and outs of many things.  But, perhaps the greatest knowledge we have obtained from all of our travels is how to spot a unique dining experience.  And it doesn't get too much more unique than Cracker Barrel, or, as we affectionately call it, "The Barrel".  Cracker Barrel may not be unique to, say, my Tennessee friends, where they are at every freeway exit...on both sides...but for someone who grew up in the Cracker Barrel Wasteland of California, it is definitely special.

I love Cracker Barrel.  Even though you fear for your life the whole time you are at your table, due to the farm equipment and horse buggies hanging over your head, their food is decent.  But my favorite thing about "The Barrel" is that no matter how  gross I feel from sitting on my butt for 11 hours eating junk/fast food...I always feel better about myself when I go there.  Any self-image struggles I had before walking in there, are gone the minute I sit down.  Let's face it, even with their down-home comfort goodies, they are still the WalMart of restaurants.

By the time we stop for dinner on the road, I am usually downright frumpy.  All messy-haired, make-up drained, stinky-breathed and stretchy clothes.  But, as I watched the hostess seat the other guests (Man, as I watched the HOSTESS), I began to feel as hot as any Hollywood starlet around today!  I mean, at least I have all my teeth!

And then it happened.  I sat there feeling all smug.  I felt confident in my intellect.  How could I not?  I was surrounded by bumpkins.  And not just one or two.  WHOLE BUMPKIN FAMILIES!  Not only was I HOT...I was a GENIUS compared to the company surrounding me!  And so to try to douse my ugly, prideful attitude and distract myself from it, I picked up that little golf tee game thingy that they have at every table.

Not only could I NOT win that game...I became consumed by it! I almost didn't eat for want of proving myself better than The Barrel Tee Game!  Jump, jump, jump, FOUR left!  Jump, jump, jump, THREE left!  Jump, jump, jump....aaaaackkkk!  Curse you Golf Tee Game!

But the worst part was....as I looked around at all the toothless, hairless (or hairy, depending on which cousin married which) folks around me, I noticed one thing all of them had in common.  They continually played the Golf Tee Game of Death, too.  But, while I took 10 minutes to finish a round, they casually completed theirs in a minute or two.  And. They. All. Had.

ONE.

Tee. left in the board!

Today, at The Barrel, I had a life changing experience.  Yeah, yeah..".don't judge a book by it's cover."  "Grace, grace."  "It's what's on the inside that counts."  yada yada.  I learned that junk lesson, too.  But more importantly, I learned that perhaps healthy eating and good dental care are overrated.  That hair, whether on your head or only under your arms,  is of minimal consequence to your reasoning ability.  That cousins may just make GREAT spouses.

You ponder that one on your own, because now I

Gotta Mosey!