Jurassic Nightmare

"God creates dinosaurs, God kills dinosaurs, God creates man, man kills God, man brings back dinosaurs."  - Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park

This summer, I have done a little traveling, but due to the fires in my backyard, I have not been as engaged in my travels as I would like.  Good thing my friend Rachel, over at The Doctor Dances has been traveling!  She is the contributor of today's post!  Enjoy her adventure!

I never thought that I could ever be genuinely terrified of Dinosaurs. That is, until a recent experience I had with them.


My family recently took a vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We spent some time in Pigeon Forge, and my Mom, older sister, younger brother, and myself noticed a Jurassic Riverboat Adventure and wanted to go on it. After all, our favorite ride at Universal Studios is the Jurassic Park ride. Sure, this one wasn’t officially “Jurassic Park,” but how bad could it be?


Awful.


No. Let me amend that.


Horrendous.


The outside was innocently deceptive. Smaller, not-very-good-quality dinosaur animatronics stood outside to greet us. There were some explorer dummies observing the dinosaurs. Sure, there was a giant T-Rex head that popped out now and then, but even that wasn’t very scary. At least, the dummies didn’t seem to think so.


After we paid the ridiculous price of $50 dollars for the four of us to ride, we waited for the next boat to arrive at the loading dock. Although the people exiting the ride seemed a little phased, we were too excited and pretending to be scared that we didn’t really pay too much attention to them. We should have heeded the signs.


The four of us were the only passengers as we slid into the second row of the boat for what we thought would be a majestic journey. “Mom, can I sit next to you?” I joked. But when we entered, I had never been so glad to be sitting next to Mom in my entire life.


First of all, the ride moved painfully slowly. And the building was pitch-black. And you didn’t have seat restraints. And the door behind you was big and it shut tight when you entered. AND it was pitch-black. And there were really loud noises. And almost all of the animatronics could have been touched. And did I mention it was pitch-black?


Normally on rides like this I get semi-scared.  In a good, fun way. On this ride, I was terrified in a horrible, I’m-literally-going-to-be-eaten way. Because it was so dark, we had no idea where the animatronics were going to come from. Sudden loud noises and a fake dinosaur jumping out of an unexpected place right near you where you can almost touch it might not sound scary at first, however, you know how in normal rides you are a good space away from the animatronics and they’re stopped before they come that close to you?

Not in this psycho-house. The boat would stop, the dinosaur would jump out. And then...then it would lower and come closer. And closer. And right when you think it’s stopping, it comes even closer. In an enclosed space where you are stopped and you have no hope of escaping! What are our first thoughts? Throw the 12 year old at it!


We seriously thought that one of us was going to get eaten at one point or other. You may laugh at this, but it’s true. I have never heard any of us scream that loud in my entire life. The animatronics weren’t even that good. But the atmosphere and the fear of being stuck on the ride because of how slow it moved were enough to brew nightmares. I’ll get to that later, though.

Then, as if playing the game of "How Long Can You Survive" wasn’t fun enough, we approached this cute little raptor. Don’t ever be fooled by the raptors. They always spit. The second, huge raptor that we encountered nailed Mom (who despises getting wet) right in the face. Bad experience, much?


After at least six minutes (it felt like an eternity) of torture (seriously, the government should consider using this to extract information from people), we finally reached the exit doors.


What have we learned from this ride? Don’t be deceived! Were we really about to exit? Oh, no. Not a chance.


The boat started lifting. Higher. And higher. And higher. And just when you thought it would stop, it kept lifting higher! I wasn’t even looking at this point. But the others said that we were facing another T-Rex. No hope of escape, fear of being possibly dumped into the water, and we were forced to face right at him. This is why I closed my eyes.


Was it over yet? What has the ride taught us? Yup, that’s right. Another T-Rex jumped out from the side. Finally, after all of that, the boat lowered and we were released from the horror movie prison. Never shall I ever step foot near that ride again. Any dream of wanting to see a real life dinosaur has been shattered.


Did the terror end there? Oh no, of course not. That night I had a hard time falling asleep and almost had nightmares because of it; Mom actually did have nightmares.


What has this ride taught us?

1. Look up reviews of rides BEFORE you ride them
2. Don’t trust anything Jurassic unless it is specifically Jurassic Park in Universal Studios.
3. Don’t be deceived by dinosaur rides.
4. STAY AWAY FROM THIS RIDE! DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY! PART OF YOUR LIFE IS SUCKED AWAY FROM YOU WHEN YOU DO! BEWARE!


And don’t even think that it’s so bad that it’s good. And don’t think that this is such a funny or mysterious blog post that you should ride it. Don’t support the ride, don’t waste the money, and don’t give into the temptation. It is not worth it. Go somewhere else that is more interesting and far better. If you really must see it, there are YouTube videos out there.


But whatever you do: DON’T RIDE THIS RIDE!

Jill's note:  I CAN'T WAIT TO GO ON THIS RIDE!!!!! But, until I get back to Tennessee, I 

Gotta Mosey!

Roundashout

"The only way round, is through." ~ Robert Frost

"Unless you're in Michigan." ~ Jill Yuen

Well!  Wouldn't THIS tutorial have been handy before my trip to Hamlet, North Carolina, where I nearly lost my life on a Roundabout for FOUR days straight?!  If you missed that little joy ride, you can read about it here.  The short version of the story is that Roundabouts are...I am just going to say it...they are stupid!  

Anything that requires a three minute video lesson, and demands you  travel to your destination by going in the opposite direction of said destination, is complete nonsense.  Not to mention, nearly impossible to exit without hurting someone. Or losing your mind.  Or both!   

I find it necessary to mention here that the above video is the short version.  The actual full length video is over 9 minutes long!  All that to turn left....after first being forced to go right.  It takes less than 30 seconds to just turn left, and no tutorial is necessary.

After I found this informative film clip presented by the Michigan DOT, I looked up additional tips for attempting to drive in Roundabouts on their website.  Here are some of the nuggets they shared:

1.  Slow down as you approach the Roundabout.  I am just saying...if it were a normal intersection, we could actually stop before entering.  But slowing down as you approach a Roundabout means you won't be able to get on the traffic circle, because everyone else who is already on it, is stuck. The drivers are stuck because the outside lane people can't figure out where to exit and the inside lane people can't get to the outside lane because it is packed with people trying to find their exit.  So, the outside traffic slows down as they try to discern which exit they want, and because they are dizzy from driving in circles, they can't figure it out.  Meanwhile, the inside lane drives faster because they are trying to find an open space in the outside lane.  That is why the outside lane is dizzy...because before they made it to the outside lane, they were speeding around the inside of the circle.  Those entering the Roundabout have a choice to either stop and wait until the inevitable pile up happens and they can squeeze past the carnage, OR, floor it and say a prayer.  Slowing down to enter is not an option.

2. Use the sign guides and lane designation markers to choose the appropriate lane for the intended destination.   Again, just pointing out the obvious, I am sure, but, if this was a normal intersection, we would only need a stop sign.  And it would be right in front of us.  And obvious.  Here are what Roundabout signs tell you:

Mind you, this picture puzzle is not right in front of you, but on the side of the circle, as you are turning away from it.  But, even if it was right in front of the driver, they would still need a manual to decipher the meaning of the sign.  (Which is another reason the outside lane slows down so much...it's hard to turn the wheel and scratch your head at the same time)  So, as the driver continues around in the circle, they continue to look back to try to figure out how in the world they get off that crazy thing!  (Cue George Jetson music...."Jane!  Get me off this crazy thing!")

3.  Look for pedestrians and bicyclists as you approach the crosswalk.  Yield to those intending to cross.  PEDESTRIANS AND BICYCLISTS?!  I just want to make a simple left hand turn...not run an obstacle course!

4.  Slow down as you approach the Yield sign and the dashed Yield line.  Look to the left and see if other vehicles are traveling in the Roundabout.  Of course they are!  We already established...THEY CAN'T GET OFF!

5.  Once there is an adequate gap in traffic, enter the Roundabout.  Do not stop or change lanes once you have entered the Roundabout.  Ummmm....what is that second lane for then, if you aren't supposed to change lanes? I think that lane is the Lane of Lost Hope.  It is where people go when they have been driving on the Roundabout so long they have lost any hope of ever exiting.  They enter the second lane with the prospect of finally running out of gas so that they can at least keep from throwing up.

6.  As you approach your intended destination, signal your intent to exit.  Look for pedestrians and bicyclists as you exit.  Whatever.  I am getting off that Roundabout any way I can...each man to himself!

And just to help you fully understand the driving instructions, the Michigan DOT includes this simple (?!), helpful (??!!) diagram:

OR...how about this instead?  We could all stop and take simple turns and be done with it!

One last thing to point out from the MI DOT informational page is that one of their stated purposes for using Roundabouts is for aesthetic reasons.  It's true.  Their page says, "Roundabouts create an area for communities to provide green space and landscape architecture.  There are no large poles, overhead wires or signals cluttering the visual environment."  That's true, but the twisted wreckage of all the cars that lay by the wayside make it hard to enjoy the visual environment.  And also, the lunatic ravings being screamed out car windows as drivers try to exit makes me think their philosophy is flawed.

I will travel back East this summer.  In the East, they LOVE Roundabouts.  I am starting a letter writing campaign to Apple asking them to make an app for my iPhone before then that can help me avoid traffic circles.  I think they should call it Roundashout and it should scream bloody murder anytime you come within a half mile of a traffic circle.  Let me know what you would call it.

Gotta Mosey!

Kentucky Yucky

 "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 If you are considering some Road Trip Fun anytime soon, I think it is only fair to warn you that road tripping is not for the faint of heart.  You need to be flexible, polite...and...well....quite brave!  If you read my posts from the past couple of days, you have learned that eating on the road requires a bit of courage sometimes.  But, dining out isn't the only act that elicits bravery when you are on a road trip.  If you are traveling overnight, you also need to consider accommodations.  Hotels and motels can be far scarier than the eating establishments when you are traveling.  And if you are in Kentucky, eating AND sleeping is challenging!


Last summer, after we left the Awful Waffle, we made our way to Williamsburg, VA.  After a few GLORIOUS days there, we left Williamsburg and headed to Norfolk where Kahuna was catching a flight home. And leaving us to fend for ourselves. Before we dropped him at the airport, we stopped at a hotel to book a room and were surprised to find that the hotel had NONE.  This had never happened to us before.  When we asked if the hotel could recommend another place, they said anywhere NOT in Virginia Beach or Norfolk, as the Navy was deploying and everyone and their brother had rented every single room in every single hotel for miles around.  We sat in our car for the next half hour calling around and trying to find a hotel.  We finally got one.  Clear back in Newport News, near Williamsburg.  We went all the way up there, had dinner, and then I took Kahuna all the way back to Norfolk before driving all the way back to the hotel.

Travel Rule #1: Be flexible....and make sure you book in advance.  

Before I took Kahuna to the airport, we all went to a restaurant for dinner.  The hotel manager suggested Taco Bell.  When we asked if there was anything else, he told us if we were looking for "fine dining" we should try Luigi's.  We weren't looking for a fine dining experience, since that is virtually impossible to enjoy with 5 and 7 year old boys who have been cooped up in a car all day and really just want to go swimming in the hotel pool (because the one in Williamsburg was being repaired)...but our only other option was "Chinese Food".  That was the actual name of the restaurant....Chinese Food.   We were almost willing to ignore the complete lack of creativity in the name of the restaurant, but the description made us think twice.  Philippino (Filippino), Chinese and Thai.  Since my husband and children are Chinese, and since I am an educated person, one thing I know is, not all Asians are the same.  Stick with one food and do it well...don't try to appeal to the masses.  So, given the choices, we opted for Luigi's Fine Dining.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into Luigi's is that one of the owners of the establishment looked a lot like my Great Aunt.  That is a good thing.  My Great Aunt Mary was an amazing cook!  The second detail that caught my attention was the overwhelming aroma of mothballs.  Ugh.  Everything about the restaurant smelled like it had been sitting in an attic somewhere for decades, but what are you going to do when you skipped lunch and everyone is starving?  Our waitress, Helen (not her real name), greeted us and was quite knowledgeable about what we would and would not like.  Such as her determination that we would NOT enjoy the Greek Salad, because it was "boring" and that instead we would want an Antipasto Salad.  Helen, our 5' 10" blond waitress then proceeded to educate me, the Sicilian, as to what Antipasto was!  I mentioned that since we were having a lot of the same meat on our pizza as was in the Antipasto, we probably were good with the Greek salad.  She insisted this was a waste of her time to make and of our taste buds.  We got the Antipasto.  Once Helen settled what kind of salad we would be having, we asked her what the "Sicilian Special" pizza was.  She answered with a burly, "You don't want that."  Really?  How did she know that?  She then explained that it takes 45 minutes to make the Sicilian Special because, "they have to make the dough".  Hmmmmm....what were they using for the regular pizza we were ordering?  I decided not to ask, as Helen had already made up her mind what was best for our family and how much would be required.  Once we polished off our salad and pizza, Helen continued to remark on "how much" we ate!  She told tales to us of every patron who came in and had to take boxes of food home because they couldn't finish all the food provided.  Now, I ask you, WHY was she surprised that we ate it all?  SHE is the one who told us how much to get to feed our family.  There was no choice involved.  She wrote it on the order pad and TOLD us what we were getting!  She went on and on about our ability to do what no one else could and I began to weigh the pro's and con's of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and Nutri-System.  Surely she was saying I needed to be doing one of them!!  She remarked about "all the kids" I had, and was surprised to hear we had one more.  She asked about her, and as I started to tell her that our other daughter was our oldest she just walked off.  Clearly, there was no love connection between our family and Helen, which is why I was totally caught off guard when she brought us our check with a pouty lip about how sad she was that we were not coming back.  Pretty sure she was just trying to boost her tip.

Travel Rule #2:  Be polite to the locals.  And never bet against a Sicilian in a food war!

The next day, our ride was completely uneventful and easy.  No problems or challenges.  Even with Kahuna gone.

And then we got to the hotel.

Our hotel tonight was wonderful!  Two queen beds that were actually QUEEN size beds and not doubles.  A lovely vanilla smell.  Comfy quarters and Little House on the Prairie playing on a continuous loop.

So....imagine my surprise, when late at night after all my kids have bathed and gotten into bed, I pulled out the nightstand to search for an outlet for my phone charger and found a MOUSE TRAP instead!!!!  WHAT?!  It was a glue trap, not the conventional snap-o-the-neck kind.  I could see little droppings!  YIKES!  I refused to look inside the torture device.  Of course I called down to the desk to see if there was any way I could move to a room that did not have a mouse issue.  OF COURSE, every room was booked!  REALLY???  Is the Navy deploying from Kentucky, too????  I hung up the phone and the kids and I proceeded to flip every mattress and checked every single square inch of the room looking for more signs of rodents.  At this point, I find it necessary to tell you that we had been listening to Redwall with the boys on this drive and Spidey thought it was quite sad that there might be a chivalrous mouse stuck inside a rodent tent trap.  The girls and I worried more about Cluny the Scourge (a rat) being on the prowl.  The kind desk gal did tell me that they would discount my room....DISCOUNT?  It should have been FREE!  I was stuck in a strange, small town in Kentucky for goodness sakes!  Too late to go anywhere else!!  Discount???

I called back down to the desk and asked them to send someone up to at least take the trap out of the room.  The girl at the desk kindly offered to come get it herself since she was "not afraid of it".  I am not afraid of it either...I just don't think I, a paying guest should have to deal with it!  Gross.  Once she came upstairs, she removed the trap and looked inside and pleasantly said, "See?  Nothing inside."  Ummmm....I think that was supposed to comfort me.  But it didn't.  Doesn't an empty trap mean that there is still a mouse on the loose????  I had nowhere to go and it was too late to pack the car and head for who knows where.  I mean...it was Kentucky!  The place that as we crossed the state line, inspired my seven year old to say, "Welcome to Hellburg!" because "that's what it looks like!"  It isn't like there were a lot of choices close by!  Ugh!

So....there I sat all night.  Unable to sleep.  Listening for the pitter patter of tiny feet.  Which brings us to....

Travel Rule #3:  Challenges on the road grow your character and your courage and make GREAT blog posts!

I can't wait to see what my trip to California brings.  Time to get a move on because I

Gotta Mosey

The Awful Waffle

"When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, "What is the first thing you ask yourself?"

"What's for breakfast?" said Pooh.  "What do you say Piglet?"

"I say, I wonder what is going to happen exciting today." said Piglet.

Pooh nodded thoughtfully.  "It's the same thing," he said.

~ AA Milne

Yesterday's post about Cracker Barrel should be enough for you to realize that our family of Trendy Travelers fears not when it comes to eating on the road.  But that was Cracker Barrel.  Other than risking life and limb sitting under combines, plows and other assorted farm equipment, there isn't too much to worry about when you eat there.  So, for those of you who desire more adventurous eating adventures on the road, I submit today's Road Trip Food for Thought.


Last summer, the kids and I drove out to Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA for conference.  All the kids except Butterfly, who, after several months last year traveled the US and lived out of a suitcase (a SMALL suitcase), has vowed never to travel with more than 6 people for more than 500 miles again in her life.  Ever. No matter how big the vehicle is.   She flew back east before us to help prepare for the conference and  then met us at Regent.

It was a wonderful conference and I look forward to attending again this summer...but I had an experience unlike any other and that commentary has to come before I write about anything else.  While the conference itself was exciting, informational and fun, breakfast on the first morning after the conference was something I cannot keep to myself.

That morning, for the first time in my life...I experienced the phenomenon known as 

The Waffle House.

Perhaps you have seen these establishments before.  They are small restaurants that appear more frequently at every single freeway exit, on both sides of the freeway, the further east you go.  For example, in Colorado we have a Waffle House about every 4th or 5th freeway exit on one side of the freeway.  By the time you reach Tennessee, there are 3 to 4 Waffle Houses on EACH SIDE of the freeway at every single exit...usually right next to the Cracker Barrel.  

While Waffle Houses are everywhere, I had never been to one. I had never even MET anyone who had eaten at one.  Then I went to Tennessee in the summer of 2011.  I stayed with my friend, and her charming father spent a bit of time with us as well while we visited.  He always came over in the morning, but he never ate breakfast with us.  He had already eaten at the local Waffle House.  In fact, he ate at the Waffle House most every morning he proudly told us.  

So as I remembered my friend's father eating at a Waffle House every morning, I bravely thought, "How can you mess up breakfast?" and we made our way to the yellow hut.

If you have never eaten at the Waffle House, I need to tell you that you are missing a unique breakfast experience that has nothing to do with food!  

Upon our arrival, Sandra (names have been changed to protect the ignorant) greeted our party of 7.  She seemed to have difficulty counting past one handful of fingers because I THINK she then asked us how many were in our party but it was hard to tell through the whistling sound of air passing through the blank spaces in her mouth where her teeth should have been.  In any case, The Waffle House was bustling with all kinds of interesting patronage and Sandra eventually did enough math to know she had to seat our party at two different tables.  

As we sat,  Kevin asked CynThia if she would like the opportunity to serve us.  She naturally answered, "Not really," because our tables were separated by one table.  At this point, I need to explain the layout of our Waffle House.  There were three booths all in a row and CynThia stands behind the counter that is behind all three booths to take the order.  Therefore, instead of taking ONE step to take an order, she would actually have to take two and that seemed to be more than poor CynThia could handle this morning.  So, Kevin was the chosen wait staff for our two booths.

Kahuna, Lizard Boy, Spidey and I waited a long time for Kevin to take our order.  This was awkward, because, the set-up of the Waffle House means Kevin was standing right in front of us on the other side of our booth.  He seemed to be avoiding eye contact.  Finally, he set some coffee cups down and said he would be right with us.  Then he added, "I am trying to find some clean silverware somewhere around here."  HUH?  This begged a whole new answer to my original, simple question, "How can you mess up breakfast?"

As we awaited "clean" silverware (and I use that term, oh SO loosely), I looked around at the rest of the greasy spoon.  I lost hope of ever seeing clean silverware. Sandra kept leaving her trash can at everyone's table and forgetting where it was.  I found this amusing since the Waffle House only has about 6 tables in it.  Then she left the trash can near our table.That wasn't so amusing.  The waffle irons sported caked on, baked on "dark waffle" batter.  And Jocelyn assured me I did NOT want to see their back room which she kept getting a good view of when the workers on break would throw out another carton of hash browns to the waiters.

I never did find out what a dark waffle was.  Honestly, I was afraid to ask.  Waffle House has its own lingo and I couldn't tell what ANYONE was eating.  CynThia was just standing behind the counter barking out demands for dark waffles, hash browns that were scattered, smothered, covered and diced, while Kevin pleaded for hash browns "all in a ring".  While my brain was busy trying to decipher how a dive like this made enough money to bribe the health inspector to overlook the lack of clean silverware and anything else clean, my boys were thrilling to the aroma of their waffles and bacon!  Lizard Boy said the waffles smelled and tasted like marshmallows, and he meant that in a good way.  I put aside my reservations and tried to see things through my niece's eyes.  She thinks it would be "fun" to work there.

In the end, we were well fed.  The boys were never happier over eating breakfast out.  And I remembered something I wish I would have thought of when we were making our morning meal plans.  And that is:

My friend's dad, who eats at one of the little yellow diners most every morning, affectionately referred to the Waffle House as the Awful Waffle.  He got a biscuit and gravy for a buck (maybe he is the health inspector and that is the bribe.  I don't know).  And my friend?....She and her husband make moonshine in their bathtub.  I probably should have taken all those things into account and found an IHOP, where the classy people go for breakfast.

I will try that next time because right now, I

Gotta Mosey!

Road Trip Dinner Party

"Eating in Sweden is really just a series of heartbreaks." ~ Bill Bryson

"Yeah?  Try Utah." ~ Jill Yuen

As I prepare for my trip to California next month, I am lamenting the fact that I must fly.  Not just because I don't like to, but because there are certain road trip "perks" you just don't get to experience when you cut 18 hours off your travel time.

My family has been on enough Road Trips to know the ins and outs of many things.  But, perhaps the greatest knowledge we have obtained from all of our travels is how to spot a unique dining experience.  And it doesn't get too much more unique than Cracker Barrel, or, as we affectionately call it, "The Barrel".  Cracker Barrel may not be unique to, say, my Tennessee friends, where they are at every freeway exit...on both sides...but for someone who grew up in the Cracker Barrel Wasteland of California, it is definitely special.

I love Cracker Barrel.  Even though you fear for your life the whole time you are at your table, due to the farm equipment and horse buggies hanging over your head, their food is decent.  But my favorite thing about "The Barrel" is that no matter how  gross I feel from sitting on my butt for 11 hours eating junk/fast food...I always feel better about myself when I go there.  Any self-image struggles I had before walking in there, are gone the minute I sit down.  Let's face it, even with their down-home comfort goodies, they are still the WalMart of restaurants.

By the time we stop for dinner on the road, I am usually downright frumpy.  All messy-haired, make-up drained, stinky-breathed and stretchy clothes.  But, as I watched the hostess seat the other guests (Man, as I watched the HOSTESS), I began to feel as hot as any Hollywood starlet around today!  I mean, at least I have all my teeth!

And then it happened.  I sat there feeling all smug.  I felt confident in my intellect.  How could I not?  I was surrounded by bumpkins.  And not just one or two.  WHOLE BUMPKIN FAMILIES!  Not only was I HOT...I was a GENIUS compared to the company surrounding me!  And so to try to douse my ugly, prideful attitude and distract myself from it, I picked up that little golf tee game thingy that they have at every table.

Not only could I NOT win that game...I became consumed by it! I almost didn't eat for want of proving myself better than The Barrel Tee Game!  Jump, jump, jump, FOUR left!  Jump, jump, jump, THREE left!  Jump, jump, jump....aaaaackkkk!  Curse you Golf Tee Game!

But the worst part was....as I looked around at all the toothless, hairless (or hairy, depending on which cousin married which) folks around me, I noticed one thing all of them had in common.  They continually played the Golf Tee Game of Death, too.  But, while I took 10 minutes to finish a round, they casually completed theirs in a minute or two.  And. They. All. Had.

ONE.

Tee. left in the board!

Today, at The Barrel, I had a life changing experience.  Yeah, yeah..".don't judge a book by it's cover."  "Grace, grace."  "It's what's on the inside that counts."  yada yada.  I learned that junk lesson, too.  But more importantly, I learned that perhaps healthy eating and good dental care are overrated.  That hair, whether on your head or only under your arms,  is of minimal consequence to your reasoning ability.  That cousins may just make GREAT spouses.

You ponder that one on your own, because now I

Gotta Mosey!

May the Force Be With You

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~ Henry David Thoreau

I believe the single greatest invention for travelers has been the portable GPS systems we can now take with us in cars to direct us to our destinations.  They are so much better than maps.  I hate maps.  There is so much pressure.  Or maybe that is just when Kahuna and I travel.

Kahuna and I have always enjoyed any weekend getaways that we could plan.  Before kids, this used to be a somewhat regular event.  He liked the opportunity to visit someplace quiet and relax from the work week.  I liked getting somewhere to relax from the ride to that somewhere!  As I have stated before, my side of the family has excellent sense of direction.  Kahuna's is a little more challenged.  So, in the days before GPS', we had to travel by map...if Kahuna had stashed one.  There was no MapQuest, there was no high frequency direction finder.  Just Kahuna frantically throwing a map at me in the car with only seconds to the suspected exit, and the next exit 20 miles (possibly) out of our way!  AND...even if I could figure out whether we need to exit or stay on the freeway, I still have to get the map unfolded first.  You can imagine our frames of mind when we showed up our first night anywhere.  Usually we would be talking to each other again by the next day, but only if our day trip plans did not include the use of a map.

So, the GPS is not just a direction finder, but in our case, a marriage saver.  I am thankful.

Sometimes, though, the GPS is not worthy of that kind of hope and gratitude.  Take, for instance, our first GPS, Maggie.  (Something about those devices having their own distinct voices demands that we name them)  She was AWESOME at first.  Her reliability waned as the years went on, however, until finally, my friend and I and our kids found ourselves lost in Kentucky because Maggie had a mental and technological breakdown!  After that final straw, we were reduced to MapQuest.  

Until this Christmas.  

This year, I got a new GPS for Kahuna.  A Tom Tom.  It has been great!  It is more compact and easy to use and, the bonus is...IT WORKS!  But my favorite part of our new Tom Tom is that I no longer have to listen to boring directions.  Our new GPS is DARTH Tom Tom!  Yes!  Darth Vader leads us on our journeys with such wisdom as (and you have to picture this with Vader's voice and breathing or it means nothing), "Turn right to get on the freeway.  STAY IN FORMATION!", and "I see Obi Wan has taught you well."   Wrong turn?  Be admonished as Darth breathes, "I find your lack of faith disturbing."   All of Darth Vader's commands and comments make traveling a light hearted and fun adventure.  But if you read my post yesterday (and if you didn't, you should because this will be much funnier.  Link Here.), you will understand after watching this video why I REALLY invested in Darth Tom Tom.

Enjoy the video.  Right now, I 

Gotta Mosey

In the Merry 'Ol Land of Wamego

"We're off to see the Wizard!" ~ Dorothy Gale and Friends in the Wizard of Oz

Welcome to Day 3 of my Dream Destinations Week!  So far, I have set my sights on Graceland in Memphis, TN and the annual Svensk Hyllningsfest in Lindsborg, KS.  And it is beginning to look like fall for the Trendy Travelers is going to be busy with trips to Kansas as, Oztoberfest is coming to Wamego, Kansas at the end of September and who wants to miss that?

The Wizard of Oz has a special place in my heart.  When I was younger, I tried to do as my parents told me and expected of me, but some temptations were far too great for me to overcome.  My mother had some rules that I was not too anxious to break.  If I overstepped the boundaries I am sure there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth...mainly mine.

But, still, there was that one line I was dying to cross!  It beckoned to me every day.  Every. Single. Day.

It started innocently enough.  Usually in summer.  You know how it was.  I was a latchkey kid; home alone all day long in the summer.  By myself.  Left to my own devices.  A child giving into that one big temptation.  I didn't mean for it to happen.  There were those "gateway" sins that came first.

Like.....the Monkees.  They were on at noon every day.  And I watched.  No harm, no foul.  Later, in the day when I was older, I watched All My Children.  Still no issue.  Yet, I was flirting closer and closer to disaster every day I turned on the TV.  Each day, turning on the set a little earlier.  Each day dancing closer to the line of no return.  And then....one day....I did it.  I turned on the TV at 10 in the morning and watched....

THE BRADY BUNCH!!!  

The Bradys were contraband in my house.  My mother had no issue with Gilligan, the Monkees, Bewitched and the rest of the re-run crowd....but the Bradys were completely off limits!  And I have to admit....they never helped my cause.  My mother hated the way Mike and Carol never had to actually discipline the kids. (Secretly, I think it had nothing to do with the kids, I think my mom was jealous that Carol had a full time housekeeper).  I hated how the kids totally repented and obeyed after one small reprimand of, "Now Marsha."  "Now Greg."  But, still....it was just a TV show.  When I started watching what had always been restricted to me, I began to see that the Brady Bunch was really no big deal.  It actually wasn't even that great of a show.   I began to wonder about all those other shows that were forbidden to me.  Maybe they weren't so bad/good either.

Don't get me wrong though.  My Mom loves movies.  Albeit, not the ones I would have liked as a child.  My mom was so excited to share her favorite movie with me when I was six.  My first movie with an intermission!  Just like in the fancy movies!!!  You know why movies have intermissions?  Because they keep you from breaking out in hysterics from boredom.  The movie my mom took me to?  Gone with the Wind.  Which I now can appreciate as  3 hours of cinematic masterpiece....but at six years old, was the most terrible form of torture I could imagine.  I didn't even get popcorn!!!!!  I was hardly old enough to know what Viet Nam was, let alone a war that occurred over a hundred years before!!!  Watching this movie, by the way, subjected me to more cruel and unusual punishment, like Joan Baez music.  For days after we saw Gone with the Wind, my mother would play The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down on her Joan Baez album over and over and over and over again...ad nauseum.  I still break out in a cold sweat when I hear that song.

So, as you can see, I was quite neglected limited in what I was allowed for my viewing pleasure.  While other little girls were curling their hair in sponge rollers and entering Shirley Temple look-alike contests (which, by the way, Cindy Brady did in an episode of the Brady Bunch), I was  reenacting Scarlett's big scene before the much needed intermission...."As God as my witness, I will never be hungry again!" (complete with realistic retching sounds).    While other girls were auditioning in their drama classes with Somewhere Over the Rainbow, I was stuck leading Joan Baez sing-alongs!

There was actually a whole slew of entertainment that I was not allowed to watch. But, the biggest Hollywood taboo in my childhood home was The Wizard of OZ.   My mother HATES The Wizard of Oz, but my father could not wait to share with me and  is now one of my favorite movies. When I was a kid, the Wizard was only on TV once a year during Spring Break.  I was always thankful for the times when it was my Dad's turn to have me during that holiday, so I could watch Dorothy and her friends get over on that icky, green witch.  Something my mom would never allow.

So, the Wizard became this secret rebellion.  Though it was rebellion born out of a fantastic story, incredible music and father-daughter bonding.  It is easy to see why I love that movie for so many reasons.  So, while driving through Kansas, you can also see how I get so excited when the Oz billboards  start popping up on the side of the freeway near Wamego.  Well, I am hoping soon, this will be a Dream Come True Destination!

Wamego has built a livelihood on the Emerald City and its residences.  Much of the town revolves around L.Frank Baum's classic-come-to-life.  From festivals to drinks, to menus and museums, every aspect of Oz seems to be alive and well in Wamego.  

The foundational pillar of Ozness in Wamego has to be the Oz Museum.  According to their website, the museum houses over 2,000 "artifacts" dating back to the book's publishing date of 1900.  The museum houses memorabilia from the 1939 musical starring Judy Garland, as well as items from the 1925 silent film of the same name starring Oliver Hardy as the Tin Woodman (who knew?!).  Also available for observation are items from the Diana Ross/Michael Jackson/Bill Cosby movie, The Wiz.  All Oz bases seem to be covered in the Wamego museum.  

After visiting the museum, if you are still trying to forget you are in Kansas...and I have been there, it is a favorite pastime....you can ease on down, ease on down the road to Toto's Tacoz.  Here, you can enjoy all kinds of Fresh-Mex food from a Tin Man Black Bean Burrito, to Munchkin Tacos to a Yellow Brick Burro'd (I am NOT asking if that is a description of the meat used in this dish).  The restaurant offers indoor patio seating, perhaps to avoid tornadoes coming through outdoor patios....?  And also Oz murals to enjoy as you eat.

But, the reason I want to go in the fall is because at the end of  September,  Wamego, Kansas hosts Oztoberfest!  Last year, this event included several dinner theater productions of The Wizard of Oz, a silent auction to benefit the Oz Museum, with items such as a limited edition Oz lamp, special edition DVD sets, signed Ruby Slippers license plates and gift bags signed by special Oz guests.  One of those guests was probably Margaret Pellegrini, who is one of three surviving Munchkins.  According to the Oztoberfest website, she has a great relationship with the Oz community in Wamego and attends this event as health allows.  Wow!  A visit with a real, live Munchkin!  She would be awesome for my Munchkyuens to meet...because I am a nicer mom than my own when it comes to movies...I love the Wizard of Oz!  And so do my kids!  But I digress.  Also available for visitors to Oztoberfest is a 10K Ruby Slipper Run (though, I was disappointed to find out this is just the name of the race and not the required running shoe option), a street fair, a two mile Scarecrow Fun Run, a Yellow Brick Road Bike Ride, a Munchkinland Kid's Play Area and much, much more!  They also have a Sip-and-Stroll for those over 21, with wine and beer tastings...represented by many wineries and breweries, EXCEPT the Oz Winery.  Which is sad, because it would just be fun to see the bottles from Oz Winery.  They have  wines called Ding Dong, the Wine is Red, Witch Gone Good,  Wine of a Different Color and myriad of other labels.  The pictures on the labels are worth having that vendor around!

Last year's Silent Auction Special at  Oztoberfest.  Who wouldn't want THAT conversation piece in their living room?

As you can see, Wamego is completely committed to being Oz.  And helping you enjoy your journey there, as well.  After poking around Wamego's website, you can see why they call themselves "Small Town - BIG Experience".  They remind you to stay in Wamego when visiting because they have over 90 ROOMS available.  One of which, Kahuna and I hope to secure with our Munchkyuens in an upcoming autumn.  

Until then, I

Gotta Mosey!

Valkommen! Ja!

"This doesn't look like Kansas, Toto." ~ Dorothy, in the Wizard of Oz

Well, here we are on Day 2 of my Dream Destinations week.  I hope that yesterday's jaunt to Graceland didn't cause you to lose faith in journeying with me.  I know that Graceland is the epitome of gaudy ostentatiousness, but, come on....it's Elvis.

However, for those with more sophisticated tastes, who desire culture and refinement, today's foray may be just the thing to redeem myself!  

Dream Destination #2:  Svensk Hyllningsfest in Lindsborg, Kansas

Lindsborg is a town in Kansas that was settled by Swedish pioneers in 1869.  To say it is a small town is an understatement.  As of 2011, the 1.5 square mile town had just 3,465 residents.  But it is rich in Scandinavian tradition!  And every fall of odd numbered years, Lindsborg hosts Svensk Hyllningsfest - a festival to honor the town's Swedish heritage.  There is traditional folk dancing, music, arts, entertainment, Dala Horses and smorgasbord!  Pure culture.  No kitsch here!

It is my opinion that nothing screams cultural diversity more than a town of 3500 Swedish descendants celebrating their heritage at a traditional Swedish Honoring Festival in the fall.....in KANSAS.  Seriously speaking,  I am sure that our Amer-Asian family will drastically change the town's demographics when we show up, just by increasing the number of brunettes in Lindsborg. But, I am also sure that Lindsborg may be the closest retreat we have to a foreign country and well worth the travel into the flatlands of Kansas.

I look forward to attending the festival in October of this year.  They already have a whole schedule of events for the weekend of the Svensk Hyllningsfest, including, but not limited to smorgasbord, folk dancing, clogging (by a traditional Swedish group from the booming metropolis of Marquette, KS, population 641), folk dancing, arts and crafts, folk dancing, smorgasbord, folk dancing WITH the audience, smorgasbord and folk dancing!  Yes, there'll be swingin', swayin', records playin'...."dansing" in the street!  And food.

And apparently a Dala Horse hunt.  Not to eat.  Just to find.  There are many, many Dalas all over town and so the challenge is to see how many you can find.  Including the City Hall Dala - Fala, the Dala Brick Road.  No joke.  That is the town's most famous Dala Horse!  In Kansas....get it?  Oh those riotous Swedes!

Besides going to Lindsborg for their festival and their obvious sense of wit and whimsy, I would like to visit some of their Top 5 Attractions (which actually lists dozens of attractions, which tells me the Swedes of Lindsborg know how to have a good time...but not how to count).  Fine dining abounds in this quaint village on the prairie, with the #1 offering on Lindsborg's website being Bethany College's cafeteria.  The only pitfall here, besides the fact that it is a school lunch, is that you can only dine here during the school year. If you visit Lindsborg during the summer, you will have to settle for fare from one of the other fine eating establishments, such as Casey's Carryout Pizza.  I wonder if Casey serves that with Lingonberry jam.

Number 2 on the list of attractions in Lingsborg, or Little Sweden as the locals call it, is Coronado Heights.  This winner of one of Kansas' 8 Wonders of Kansas Geography is supposedly a historical and natural delight.  My guess is that it is on the 8 Wonders list because it is Coronado HEIGHTS, which in a state as flat as Kansas, is saying something.

The third attraction list is of art galleries in the town.  After all the dancing and smorgasbording I intend to do in October in Little Sweden, I do not know how much time I will have to observe art, but I am going to be sure to make time to visit Hemsljod, "An Adventure in Swedish Tradition", which made the list of the 8 Wonders of Kansas Customs list, for it's traditional and pop art Dala Horse Factory!  This gallery also makes the #4 attraction category of Swedish Gift Shops.

And finally on their top 5 attractions list, Lindsborg has many historical buildings and walking tours to offer.  None of which sound as fun a ride on Fala, the Dala Brick Road, or smorgasbord.

As you can see, Lindsborg, is in no shortage of class and culture.  Enjoy the following video so you, too can plan a visit to Little Sweden on the Prairie.

  Let me know what you think in the comments because right now, I 

Jag Maste Mosey!  (Gotta Mosey!)

Reclaiming the Family Road Trip

"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."

~ Ernest Hemingway

Generally speaking, it is not a good sign when your house is an hour and a half behind you as you forge ahead with a two day drive ahead of you and from the backseat you hear a voice say, "Are we in Minnesota yet??"  This is unfortunate not only because you still have a full two day drive ahead of you, but because you aren't planning on being anywhere NEAR Minnesota!

Call me a romantic, or an optimist...or even crazy, but I believe that the Art of the Family Road Trip is being lost and it makes me sad. 

I know not everyone feels this way.  Most people would rather be to their destination by any way other than car travel.  Most people would love to go to sleep and wake up at their desired location.  Most people would rather have a separate room in their car for their kids. 

Most people would miss out.

But, the art of the Family Road Trip is not in how you do it.  It is in what you come away with.  Anybody can play movies from Colorado to Tennessee, but what does anyone come away with (okay, besides a bit more sanity in the short run)?  There are so many observations to be made when you are trying to engage your kids and keep them from pulling each others' hair out!  The Family Road Trip is the ultimate catalyst for creativity.  It forges the strongest ties that bind us together. 

And it can be unbelievably eye opening.

As you plan your road trip, I hope my Techniques for Mastering the Art of the Family Road Trip will help:

*Make sure you drive through Kansas.  Yeah, I know what you are thinking, "Kansas?  Why on earth?  It is flat!  It is boring!"  Boring you say?  I am sorry, but I must beg to differ!  Where else in the whole US can you visit Prairie Dog Town?  Home to "the Largest Prairie Dog in the world - 800 Pounds!", or see a REAL "5 legged Cow" , or buffalo pheasants (though I am pretty sure that one was just an error in grammar)???  Only in a state so boring, it has to rely on freaks of nature to spice it up!  Also, while you and I think a state FULL of cornfields is boring...young children are amazed to know that that much of their favorite vegetable is so bountiful in ONE state!  And, as you travel there, you will come to realize why some folks refer to Kansas as God's Country. Something about that state increases your prayer life.  As I drove through it, I found my prayers to be constant.  "Lord THANK YOU for delivering my father's side of the family from this land.  And God, PLEASE don't ever make me have to come live here!"

*Never underestimate the power of Bribery.  My friend taught me this one!  I always buy a BIG bag of chocolate goodies and keep them on hand.  When people start losing it, you would be amazed how fast they can pull it together if there is a promise of caramel and chocolate for being polite for the next 15 minutes!  This actually IS a powerful tool.  My kids now know they will get MORE treats if I DON'T have to bribe them.  After learning this, we now only give treats to say thank you for traveling well, when we make pit stops.

*Drive through the Midwest during a summer heat wave.  There are several benefits to this lunacy.  First is that I don't care how much you dislike your car....if it has air conditioning, you will have a new-found love for it!  You will also make great time because just getting out of the car and walking into the convenience store for the restroom will make you feel like, in the words of Lizard Boy, you "are walking right in a fire"...thereby encouraging you to make less stops so that you can stay in the AC comfort of your car!  Also...when you DO walk through the fiery heat to the convenience store and find that THEIR AC is NOT working, you will have absolutely NO guilt about having a root beer float after sitting your butt all day in the car!

Guilt Free Floats!

*Stay at an aesthetically challenged hotel.  What else makes the Cracker Barrel seem gourmet?

Yes, that is our room number TAPED to our door!

*Talk to the locals.  Not only is every state different in geography, but the people in each state have their own unique attributes and wisdom.  Such was the case when we traveled to Tennessee and stopped in Missouri, and met our waitress, Renee (not her real name, but pretty close) at The Cracker Barrel .  She  was born in Colorado, and is now living in Missouri and had some special insight for us regarding Tennessee.  According to this food service sage, we might be able to get quite a bit of Christmas shopping taken care of any time we are  visiting the Volunteer State.  Renee assured us EVERY person in Tennessee has SOMETHING for sale in their front yard.  Including and especially El Camino cars!  Whew!  Soon we will have two licensed drivers and were wondering where we might be able to pick up an extra cherry truck-car for one of them!

In other words....things that drive so many people crazy when venturing across country with their kids in their cars are actually the things I think we will laugh about  for a long time to come.  We don't stay at the Ritz when we are on the road.  We don't eat at swanky resort restaurants.  But we laugh a lot.  Come on....AN 800 POUND PRAIRIE DOG?  What's not to laugh about?!

So, Missouri or Minnesota, who cares?  As long as we are all together and laughing!

Share your tips and I will be sure to consider them on my next Road Trip.  For now, I

Gotta Mosey!