It's All Fun and Games....Til Someone Forgets Their ID

"The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say to not bring food, sharp tools or any shred of dignity." ~ Jimmy Fallon

20 Questions!  The Alphabet Game!  I Spy!  Slug-a-Bug!  All classic travel games to make a trip more interesting and fun.  But, Butterfly and I discovered a new game on the way home from California.  All you need is 2 TSA Agents, 1 long line of impatient travelers, 1 CIA Agent in Langley, VA, a phone and 0 pieces of ID.   It's called "Jeopardy! TSA Edition", and we played it like a BOSS.

Come on down!

Being selected as a contestant on "J!TE" is really quite an exclusive process.  Only one out of several hundred get a chance to play.  You simply show up in the airport security line like everyone else...with one slight difference.  You don't bring your identification.  It's that simple!  No TSA agent can resist giving you the opportunity to "come on down"!

Once you have been chosen as a competitor for "J!TE", a senior TSA Agent greets you at a special game podium and invites you to play the first round of the game, "To Tell the Truth to the CIA", on the phone. During this round of the show your mother is allowed to watch, but not allowed to coach you in any way, shape or form. Calling a friend, polling the audience or using any kind of lifeline is strictly prohibited. Any coaching from the audience results not only in expulsion from the game, but also a ride to the local CIA office for a bonus round of "Are You a Terrorist?"  ( I'll take "I Swear My Parents are American Citizens" for 500, Alex.)

While playing "To Tell the Truth to the CIA", the contestant is invited to answer questions being asked of the TSA Agent by a CIA Agent for the contestant to answer.  The rules just get more confusing from there.

CIA:  La Paz Ct.
Contestant:  What is...my former address?

CIA:  XXXX
Contestant:  What are....the last four digits of my dad's cell phone?

CIA:  Monty Circle
Contestant:  Ummmm...not sure.....ummmm....I'd like to buy a vowel please.

The "To Tell the Truth" part of the game show has a team bonus round if the contestant is very young and doesn't have much history recorded in Langley.  In this round, "The Mom is Right", the competitor gets to include their mother on the team, because apparently the government has LOTS of information on her....even though she is very young and youthful looking, too.  During this round of the game, the CIA asks questions of the original contestant and when she is unable to answer the question, the CIA requires the TSA to ask the mother the same question and one more...just to make sure she is Telling the Truth.

If you make it out of the "To Tell the Truth" and "The Mom is Right" rounds, you move on to "Make Me Laugh TSA Tickle Edition".  I know this because we progressed to this part of the game, which involved walking through two different body scanners that actually required you to do some "TSA Twister" game moves first.  After the contestant is given the literal green light on the body scanners, they are escorted to the game stage for a full patdown.  But the fun doesn't stop there!  Oh no, the fun. Does. Not. Stop. There.

Once the contestant manages to not giggle through the patdown, they progress to the last round of the game. That would be the "Let's Swab Your Deals" round.  In this exciting game, the competitor is racing against the clock as the TSA Agent opens any and all luggage and wipes it down with some kind of coffee filter thing.  Every item in the carry on is opened and swabbed, then the filter is put in a machine which scans it for...for....well, I don't exactly know - BUT...if you can have all your items swabbed without setting any alarms off in time to make your flight, you move on to the last event....

"Run for Your Life".  In this round, both contestant and Mom make a mad dash to their airline gate because playing "Jeopardy!  TSA Edition" has taken up all the time that would have allowed for a leisurely meander to the gate.  In this last round, contestants bolt to the gate, run onto the plane and buckle up in a VERY limited amount of time.  It is in this last round of the game, when the contestants think they have won the jackpot, that they find out there is one more game to play.  "This is Your Life (Flashing Before Your Eyes)".  In this final round of the whole game, the contestants join a whole team of airline passengers strapped into flimsy seats for a ride that bounces you from CA to CO.  Awards go to competitors for "Loudest Prayers", "Child with the Largest Lung Capacity", "Synchronized Screaming" and more!  If you can make it the whole two hours without throwing up, you win the Jackpot...they let you off the plane safely at your intended destination.

Game shows not your cup of tea?  Then REMEMBER YOUR ID!

Gotta Mosey.

Get Out Of Denver, Better Go! Go!

“The people in flight from the terror behind-strange things happen to them, some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that the faith is refired forever.”  ~ John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

I am back from my trip to California.  And when I say, "I am back", let me tell you, that was no easy feat!  Just about every single fear I have related to flying in an airplane and being in an airport were confirmed on my trip!  So...if you are tuning in today to see how to survive the wild ride from Denver to San Jose and back again...you picked a great day to blog surf!

Every SINGLE thing that could go wrong, went wrong at the Denver Airport at the start of our travels.  Every. Single. Thing.  Starting with the drive up to the airport.

If you have read about my other escapades at the airport here, then you know that before you even get on a flight in Denver, you have had to overcome several other challenges first.  But this day was like no other I have experienced.  On this particular day that we departed for the airport, it seemed like the same ol' thing. We were blown all over the highway again.  There were the usual tumbleweeds to keep the near 70 mile obstacle course interesting. This time, however, we had an added new bonus I had not experienced before. We were transported to Depression Era Oklahoma!  Yes!  It is true....both Time and Geographical Travel overcame us on our drive in our Dodge TARDIS.  As we made our way toward the airport, it became darker, and darker. We looked northwest, but all we could see was an ENORMOUS dust cloud of depression era proportion!  I expected the Joads to pull up alongside us in their jalopy at any moment.  As the wind grew gustier, the dust became so thick we could hardly see the other cars on the road.  Great!  As I considered both the wind and visibility factors for my flight, it was hard to tell if the car was shaking from the gale force winds blowing it, or from me shuddering from sheer terror.  It was the first time ever that I couldn't wait to get to the airport...if only to escape the blind car ride.

Road to Denver International Airport (kinda)

Once we actually arrived at the airport a whole other trial confronted us!  How to get our bags out of the car without them or us blowing away!  We were having gusts of 60 mph winds and our suitcases were paying the price.  But the worst was how the wind blew us!  As I grabbed a hold of Butterfly to pull her into the safety of the airport (there is a term I never thought I would use...or would be true!), I had a vision of her flying up in the air and me flying her like a kite while I tried to wrestle her inside.  It was horrifying, I tell you!

Me and Butterfly

It is hard to believe that I actually felt safer at the airport than on the road....but that tells you just how bad it was.  As we made our way into the the airport, it seemed the horrible parts were coming to an end and I would only have to deal with my irrational fear of flying now.  But, it just can never be that easy if involves me, a trip and an airplane.  Sigh.

After Butterfly and I checked in and gave our personal belongings over to airline staff, we climbed aboard the train to take us to the C Terminal where our airline was located.  We exited the train and decided to eat a little dinner and calm ourselves myself for our flight.  After we finished our extremely overpriced and barely average dinner (not exactly what I had hoped for for what could possibly be my last meal...even criminals get something better than that!), we headed over to our gate and found...it didn't exist.  Well at least not in the C Terminal!  Turns out, ha, ha, that our airline actually has gates in TWO terminals on opposite ends of the airport, and we were in the wrong one.  Remember the OJ Simpson Hertz ads?  Yeah, that was us!  We ran all the way to the train and then we ran all the way to our gate, where everyone was already lined up.  As we stood gasping for air, we listened to the announcement coming over the loudspeaker for our flight.  It seemed our plane had ice on the wings.  Which is bad.  But, we had plenty of de-icer. Which is good.  But, it was so windy that they couldn't de-ice the plane because the fluid kept icing up due to the wind gusts.  Which is very, very bad.  

Did I mention that the reason the winds were so cold was because we had a blizzard on the way?  And that every minute we stayed on the ground increased our chances of not being able to leave?  Or, worse yet, having to fly through the blizzard?! True story.

We sat awaiting more information and making polite conversation with people around us.  When our plane was 3 hours delayed, people around us started booking hotel rooms and getting taxis.  But, still we waited.  When we were 3.5 hours delayed, the woman next to us finally admitted she was hoping they would cancel the flight as "she didn't want to die today anyway."  I laughed and admitted that I was scared to fly too...especially since if we weren't cancelled, we had to hope the de-icer actually worked and then we would be flying through the blizzard.  Directly following this conversation, when our flight was 3.5 hours and two minutes delayed and all of our confessions of fear and death were still hanging in the air, they announced that they would be boarding our plane!

Before they started boarding, I made a trip to the restroom where I ran into a nun.  No....I don't mean I came into the bathroom and there was a nun.  I mean as I was rounding the corner to the bathroom from one side, she was rounding the corner from the other and I ran into her and stepped on her habit!  Surely, I thought, there is some sort of divine discipline for stepping on a nun!  And as I pondered what that might possibly mean for me on this flight, I remembered seeing a nun on a plane before....

Anyone remember the fun flick this clip is from?  Yeah, that's right.....the 1975 disaster film, Airport 1975, about a jet that collides with a smaller plane and fights against gravity without a pilot for the rest of the film!  Not only that....but check out the cutie pie that the nun is singing to.  Is anyone else freaked out that the nun is singing to the kid from the Exorcist???  In my mind, my flight was spiraling downward, possibly in a literal sense, as I left the restroom and noticed the Sister was on our flight.  Really?!  Oh, God has such a sense of humor!

It was amongst all of this that I boarded our flight with fear and trepidation....and flew one of the smoothest flights I have been on in a long time.  I am sure Butterfly was more thankful than I about that.  

Overall, the flight was tolerable and led to a great trip.  I will have to tell you more about that later, cuz right now, I

Gotta Mosey.

California Cool

"I don't mind not being cool."  said no one EVER in California.

As I continue to wait out the bad weather, I am perusing the California Pinterest Boards.  There is one thing I am reminded of when I look at all the pins.  It may have its problems, yet nothing but NOTHING says "Cool" the way California does.

The state's name comes from a Spanish romance novel set on an imaginary paradise island called, California.  The name seems to continue to mean "extraordinary" to this day!  If you want to make something better, brighter, cooler...tag it "California".  It's kind of the Elvis Presley of US States!

Need more convincing?  Consider the following:

Ferrari CALIFORNIA Convertible

1968 CALIFORNIA Special Mustang

Convertible CALIFORNIA Car Beach Cruiser

Baja (CALIFORNIA) Bug

Affordable CALIFORNIA Housing

Disney's CALIFORNIA Adventure

Vans CALIFORNIA

This is probably a good time to mention that while adding the label, California, to tennis shoes, pizza, amusement parks, cars and houses makes them jump multiple points on the Coolness Factor Charts, it also makes them about 300% more expensive than say, Osh Kosh (Wisconsin) clothing.  Because, really, what cool stuff ever came from Wisconsin?  Cheese?  Turns out California has the market on Cool Cheese, too.  Don't believe me?  Check it out...

One last thing to take note of is the California Cool food subculture.  

CALIFORNIA Grilled Cheese

CALIFORNIA Hot Dog

CALIFORNIA Clam Chowder

CALIFORNIA Rolls

CALIFORNIA Eggs Benedict

CALIFORNIA Roll CAT FOOD!!

All of these meals and more have a distinctly California flavor to them.  And by California, I mean "avocado".  And by "Avocado", I mean, "add 2.00 to any menu item".  Just another pitfall of enjoying the special culture that is California.

I have to admit, all this cruising Pinterest is leaving me hungry (literally) for California! I need to work on planning some more.  What is your favorite California Cool?

Gotta Mosey!

Pinterest Travel Fashion Tips

"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous." ~ Coco Chanel

Generally speaking, when one starts a travel blog, it is good if one, say, travels.  It kind of brings the whole experience of travel to life for blog followers, if the author shares their actual experiences.  Kind of neat how that works.

I travel quite a bit.  And by "quite a bit", I mean; sometimes.  But, in starting this blog, I committed to traveling much more.

But I live in Colorado.

Where it snows.

A lot.

And this year has been punishing.  Usually, where I live, we get snow, but it doesn't impact us much.  Living in the Colorado sunshine 300 days a year means that the snow melts before it can hinder you.  But, this year! Oh boy!  We are still short on snowfall....BUT...every time we get snow this year, it is in the form of a blizzard!  This has put quite a damper on my travel...and my travel blog.

So what is an adventurer to do when she is snowed in?  Glad you asked...

I spend a lot of time of Pinterest.

If you are like me, Pinterest just seemed like a lot of random stuff all in one place.  I didn't really get what to do with it.  It just seemed like something to do while I was stuck in a waiting room somewhere.  But, recently, Butterfly taught me more of the ins and outs of the board pinning site.  Seems I had been doing it wrong all along.  I had tried to use Pinterest practically.  If I saw something I would never use or ever do, I automatically ruled out pinning it.  I only pinned craft ideas for my co-op, recipes I would lose if I wrote them down and shoved them in my kitchen drawer filed them in a hard to reach place, ideas for entertaining and landscape ideas.  (Okay...landscape and yard decorating isn't practical given how I HATE gardening, but I was trying to inspire myself).

Since Butterfly freed me from the bondage of factual common sense, I have a new lease on travel life while I am snowed in!

Since I have thrown in the practicality towel on Pinterest, I decided to extend that mindset to my travel plans as well.  I know the most comfortable clothes to travel in are sweats and tennies, but I have decided that I want something more.  Forget the casual slop of current day travelers!  I intend to travel in style from now on.

Ah, the good ol' days...when flight attendants were stewardesses, airlines still gave you snacks for free and anyone could move about the cabin as they pleased!  But seriously, look at those suits...and I am talking about the women!

You may be thinking that this outfit is really only rational for travel with Dr. Watson on a foggy London escapade.  Agreed.  But, hey, this is Pinterest where anything goes!  I am particularly fond of the green cape and blue gloves, which I TOTALLY do NOT need on a trip to California, which, of course, in a Pinterest world, makes them perfect beach wear for my upcoming excursion!

I am not sure I can really call this outfit retro, as it is a steam punk outfit, which I think is futuristic, if our future never evolved technologically.  So, technically speaking, I think it counts as retro.  Don't quote me.  Anyway, the outfit is superb, and I want to wear it  the next time I go somewhere.  And also speak with a British accent when I do!

Admittedly, there will be some days where I just won't feel like wearing layers of capes and corsets, so I may want to wear something a little more roomy.  Still, I like the retro perspective on travel, so I am thinking this outfit may be my best bet for lazy travel wear days:

The nice thing about this outfit is, I can use the optional cape and backpack if the weather or accommodations turn ugly.

I like all of the above outfits because they have such a sense of flare and flamboyance to them.  But, sometimes, you just want to fit in.  So, this is what I will be wearing when I go to Asia (or San Francisco's Japantown for sushi):

This way, I won't stand out and attract too much attention as an "Ugly American", who is insensitive to the culture I am visiting.

I can't wait to board planes, trains and automobiles in these smart traveling fashions!  They bring a whole new element to vacationing for me!  I am a firm believer the the clothes not only make the person, but the trip, too!  But what about when I reach my destination?

Really, it depends on where one is traveling.  In my case, my soonest upcoming trip is to California.  There are the usual clothing options for beach and warm weather:  shorts, flip-flops, Vans.  But, I found a couple of  inspirational, can't-live-without-while-I'm-in-California items that I am sure you will appreciate, too!

Are these happenin' or what?  Oh yeah, with these babies, I can go right from the plane to swimming in the big, blue Pacific!  No waiting!  No changing!  Especially if I pair them with one of these hot bathing suits, which happen to also be completely appropriate for air travel...and church, for that matter!

Oh wait!  I just remembered, I HATE swimming in the ocean!  There are more sharks there than in the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which definitely puts ocean swimming on the banned list for me!  But, I do like the beach...and beach fashion.  So maybe something like these Venice Beach, CA necessities are better for me:

What do you think?  Even though I won't go in the ocean to surf, I can use the board to balance on the super cool tennis shoe skates!  Oh yeah, just call me Malibu Barbie Jill!

And these are just some of the gems I found on Pinterest for my travel planning! You should follow me. I can't wait to share more in the coming days!  Until then, I

Gotta Mosey!

Roundashout

"The only way round, is through." ~ Robert Frost

"Unless you're in Michigan." ~ Jill Yuen

Well!  Wouldn't THIS tutorial have been handy before my trip to Hamlet, North Carolina, where I nearly lost my life on a Roundabout for FOUR days straight?!  If you missed that little joy ride, you can read about it here.  The short version of the story is that Roundabouts are...I am just going to say it...they are stupid!  

Anything that requires a three minute video lesson, and demands you  travel to your destination by going in the opposite direction of said destination, is complete nonsense.  Not to mention, nearly impossible to exit without hurting someone. Or losing your mind.  Or both!   

I find it necessary to mention here that the above video is the short version.  The actual full length video is over 9 minutes long!  All that to turn left....after first being forced to go right.  It takes less than 30 seconds to just turn left, and no tutorial is necessary.

After I found this informative film clip presented by the Michigan DOT, I looked up additional tips for attempting to drive in Roundabouts on their website.  Here are some of the nuggets they shared:

1.  Slow down as you approach the Roundabout.  I am just saying...if it were a normal intersection, we could actually stop before entering.  But slowing down as you approach a Roundabout means you won't be able to get on the traffic circle, because everyone else who is already on it, is stuck. The drivers are stuck because the outside lane people can't figure out where to exit and the inside lane people can't get to the outside lane because it is packed with people trying to find their exit.  So, the outside traffic slows down as they try to discern which exit they want, and because they are dizzy from driving in circles, they can't figure it out.  Meanwhile, the inside lane drives faster because they are trying to find an open space in the outside lane.  That is why the outside lane is dizzy...because before they made it to the outside lane, they were speeding around the inside of the circle.  Those entering the Roundabout have a choice to either stop and wait until the inevitable pile up happens and they can squeeze past the carnage, OR, floor it and say a prayer.  Slowing down to enter is not an option.

2. Use the sign guides and lane designation markers to choose the appropriate lane for the intended destination.   Again, just pointing out the obvious, I am sure, but, if this was a normal intersection, we would only need a stop sign.  And it would be right in front of us.  And obvious.  Here are what Roundabout signs tell you:

Mind you, this picture puzzle is not right in front of you, but on the side of the circle, as you are turning away from it.  But, even if it was right in front of the driver, they would still need a manual to decipher the meaning of the sign.  (Which is another reason the outside lane slows down so much...it's hard to turn the wheel and scratch your head at the same time)  So, as the driver continues around in the circle, they continue to look back to try to figure out how in the world they get off that crazy thing!  (Cue George Jetson music...."Jane!  Get me off this crazy thing!")

3.  Look for pedestrians and bicyclists as you approach the crosswalk.  Yield to those intending to cross.  PEDESTRIANS AND BICYCLISTS?!  I just want to make a simple left hand turn...not run an obstacle course!

4.  Slow down as you approach the Yield sign and the dashed Yield line.  Look to the left and see if other vehicles are traveling in the Roundabout.  Of course they are!  We already established...THEY CAN'T GET OFF!

5.  Once there is an adequate gap in traffic, enter the Roundabout.  Do not stop or change lanes once you have entered the Roundabout.  Ummmm....what is that second lane for then, if you aren't supposed to change lanes? I think that lane is the Lane of Lost Hope.  It is where people go when they have been driving on the Roundabout so long they have lost any hope of ever exiting.  They enter the second lane with the prospect of finally running out of gas so that they can at least keep from throwing up.

6.  As you approach your intended destination, signal your intent to exit.  Look for pedestrians and bicyclists as you exit.  Whatever.  I am getting off that Roundabout any way I can...each man to himself!

And just to help you fully understand the driving instructions, the Michigan DOT includes this simple (?!), helpful (??!!) diagram:

OR...how about this instead?  We could all stop and take simple turns and be done with it!

One last thing to point out from the MI DOT informational page is that one of their stated purposes for using Roundabouts is for aesthetic reasons.  It's true.  Their page says, "Roundabouts create an area for communities to provide green space and landscape architecture.  There are no large poles, overhead wires or signals cluttering the visual environment."  That's true, but the twisted wreckage of all the cars that lay by the wayside make it hard to enjoy the visual environment.  And also, the lunatic ravings being screamed out car windows as drivers try to exit makes me think their philosophy is flawed.

I will travel back East this summer.  In the East, they LOVE Roundabouts.  I am starting a letter writing campaign to Apple asking them to make an app for my iPhone before then that can help me avoid traffic circles.  I think they should call it Roundashout and it should scream bloody murder anytime you come within a half mile of a traffic circle.  Let me know what you would call it.

Gotta Mosey!

California Trek - The Voyage Home

"Only one is a wanderer.  Two together are always going somewhere." ~Madeleine in Vertigo

The idea of being an accidental tourist is not one that is appealing to me.  I want to prepare for the best time possible when I make travel plans.  Because I am all about the travel party (the fiesta, not the people in the traveling group...though, I am about them too, because they add to the party!).  When I took the train to Virginia a couple of years ago, I watched every movie with a train in it, plus all the I Love Lucy episodes when they traveled by train!   My point is, travel is only as interesting and fun as you are prepared for it to be.  So today, I want to share with you how I am getting in the California travel mindset....

Movies
Since I HATE flying and since most airport/airplane movies involving crashing, I have decided to nix air travel movies from my list.  However, there are still many movies I can rely on to get me ready for the trip back home.

1.  Vertigo - Because nothing says "vacation fun" like a movie about love, death, deception and dizziness!  Also, it is set in the San Francisco Bay Area, and ends in San Juan Batista Mission (which is 29 minutes away from where I will be staying in California!).

2.  Yours, Mine and Ours (1968 version) - Because the scene where Lucille Ball loses both her slip and her false eyelashes in the San Francisco bar is PURE Lucy genius!  But, also the scene when Frank and Helen realize they have NINETEEN children between them while riding on a San Francisco cable car is classic.

3.  Flower Drum Song - Gung Hay Fat Choy!  This musical, set in San Francisco Chinatown, is one of our FAVORITES!  It was one of the first Hollywood musicals to actually cast Asians as, well, Asians!  It also is one of the first Hollywood films that showed positive Asian culture where they main characters had a happy ending! (sorry...Spoiler alert).  But we love it for the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical farce that it is!  Plus, it stars James Shigeta...hubba hubba!

4.  Bullitt -  True Confessions...the reason I want to see this movie is because in Race to Witch Mountain, Dwayne Johnson (also a bit of hubba hubba...a BIG bit) is into the movie and can't believe another character hasn't seen it.  I should see it. And also, I like Ford Mustangs.

5.  Mrs. Doubtfire - Because Robin Williams is so funny.  But Robin Williams as a woman with a whipped cream facial is HILARIOUS, in this movie set in San Francisco.

6. Star Trek, The Voyage Home - I am not a Trekkie (though, for purposes of this blog, I am hoping to attend a Star Trek Convention in the near future with my friend who IS a Trekkie), but I love this movie!  Watching the era I grew up in, in the area I grew up in,  through the eyes of the Enterprise crew is sheer entertainment!

7. Homeward Bound II - Because who can resist Sassy, Shadow and Chance as they take risks and make friends among the homeless pet population in San Francisco?

8.  The Joy Luck Club - "The life histories of four Asian women and their daughters reflect and guide each other." - IMDB   Also, there are large helpings of beautiful scenery and guilt trips. - Jill Yuen

9.  The Maltese Falcon - Because everyone should see a Bogey movie and Casablanca doesn't happen to be set in California!  For purposes of watching movies set in California, check out Humphrey Bogart as the classic San Francisco detective, Sam Spade.

10.  What's Your Favorite???  I have shared some of my best ideas for getting in the California mindset.  How about you?  I have FOUR weeks to watch movies....leave your ideas in the comments section because right now, I

Gotta Mosey!

Beats Driving Through Utah

"I hate flying.  Know why?  Because no one REALLY understands how planes actually work."

~ Adam Levine

I am now just four weeks away from traveling to California.  By airplane.  Which I hate.  A lot.  But, I am trying not to think about it and just prepare for the trip.  If I am honest though, as I make lists and update documents and think about wardrobe, I have to admit that the sinking feeling keeps entering my mind.

So, today, I share my therapy session.  That is, my list of reasons to appreciate flying to California instead of driving there.

The Top Reasons I am Glad That I am Not Driving to California

1. I will not have to look at Utah.   Utah ties with Arizona as the third ugliest state I have ever been in (with first and second place going to New Mexico and Nevada respectively).  And for all you people who enjoy the "unique rock formations" that Utah has to offer, let me just say, NO amount of cool rock formations can save that state from me calling it what it is - UG-A-LY!

2.  I will not have to drive through the Mojave Desert.  The only thing uglier than Utah is the Mojave Desert, which consists solely of dirt, heat and Joshua Trees.  I have learned on my numerous drives through that blighted area of California, that the only Joshua Tree I like is the album by U2.

3.  The airplane cabin is pressurized.   Thus eliminating the need to wear protective eye wear to arm myself against "spitting" applesauce and chip packages, as you must when driving in Colorado elevations.

4.  I won't have to drive past the Stockyards in Bakersfield.  I don't care WHO isn't wearing deodorant on the plane, the smell will never be as offensive as hundreds of cows in acres of their own "fertilizer"!

5.  I only have to endure 2.5 hours, instead of 2 days to reunite with friends and family that I miss tremendously!   'Nuff said.

I am off to print out this list so that I can continue referring to it whenever I start to panic about flying to California.

Gotta Mosey!

Wild Game Hunting with Jilly

"I'm an outdoors girl.  I like to go fishing, riding four wheelers and hunting." ~ Miranda Lambert

"Me, too...but I USE my four wheeler to hunt!" ~ Me

When you travel and expand your cultural horizons, you learn a lot of lessons.  I am not an exception to this rule, however, on a road trip last summer I learned lessons that I did not expect.

I am a super market, Costco kind of food provider, so it is interesting to me to know people who hunt.  I actually envy them.  The thought of someone in my family actually providing food for us without a trip to the grocery store is empowering.  Alas, being raised in a somewhat metropolitan suburb, hunting is something that alluded my husband and I growing up.  We tend to live vicariously through all the teenage young men we know and their dads.

BUT...on my trip last summer, I learned that I am a pretty good hunter.  After all, it takes real talent to kill animals without even trying!

I have never hit anything with my car.  Ever.  Well...okay...some bugs, but they don't count.  I mean that no human or animal have ever touched the front of my car, while it careened toward them at high speeds.

Until West Virginia....

Before I go on, I need to say that I was doing pretty well, because judging by all the roadkill on the sides of the roads in Missouri and West Virginia, every other car was hitting something!  I had not hit anything!  Not even close.  Not even a raccoon, which, according to the population of their corpses on the roadside are either the dumbest or slowest animals in the country.  (maybe both!)  So, I should have suspected that sudden death was lurking just beyond the next highway turn.  I was due.

West Virginia is the most beautiful state that I have been to outside of Hawaii.  So, there I was...driving along, enjoying the gorgeous view of the green, green mountains and untouched nature surrounding me, when it happened.  My friend made a slight move in her super sleek new car ahead of me. I thought she was just testing her new precision steering.  But, upon closer examination, there seemed to be something lolling in the roadway.  I might add at this time, that, while West Virginia is extremely lovely, their highway laws are ridiculous.  At any given time I have been on their highways, I have shared the road with approximately, 4 other cars, and still they have a 55mph speed limit!!  EXCEPT on the stretch of road we happened to be traveling at the time this story took place.  At that time, we were traveling a stretch of 70mph highway.  But, I digress...

So back to the story: something was in the middle of the highway lane and as I came closer, I could see it was some type of woodland creature.    A sort of sasquatch, giant squirrel-rodent-thing.  As I approached it, I tried to slow down, but my other friend was behind me.  And OF COURSE at this time, the normally deserted highway had cars surrounding me on all sides, so swerving was not an option!!  As I got closer to the fuzzy obstacle, it stopped and met my eyes with great fear...and he FROZE in one place.  THANK GOODNESS, because this allowed me to aim my car right over him so I would miss him completely.  This would have been the perfect measure to save the rodent's life, but at the last minute, he darted....and I hit him.  In my rear view mirror, I saw him tumble in front of my friend's car, as she narrowly missed him, and off the road.  I spent the rest of the drive mortified, even though the teenage boy in my car espoused my great aim!  

I spent the following week at Regent University where I did not need to drive my car, and therefore, spared any other wandering forest animals.  But...on the way home....I was unintentionally on the hunt again.

I had made it within 3.5 hours of home without mangling any other mammals.  That is when I switched to bird hunting which takes real skill when you are in a car.  I wasn't wasting my time with big birds like ducks, geese, pheasants, emu's....I was after more of a challenge...SPARROWS!  

I know we have all played Driving for Birds before but usually at the last moment, the bird excels upward and avoids impact with the car.  Birds tend to save real impact for more demanding objects, like sliding glass doors.  But not that day.  That day, as I drove through a swarm of sparrows, one was a little too slow.  Ugh.  It was quite tragic.

Because I had become such an excellent marksman on this cross-country jaunt, I actually employed quite  complex hunting proficiency.  I didn't just plow over the bird, I exercised real competence.  I first hit the poor, winged creature with the lower part of my windshield and bounced it to the hood of my car, where its remnants can still be viewed. Then I trounced it with my wheels, where I left the bird flailing in the middle of the road for the next car to barrel over.  

While I admit my hunting prowess seemed to have been taken to a higher level on this trip...before this, my hunting only included trying to find organic apples in a regular grocery store...hunting by car is not a pastime I would like to continue.  I found myself sympathizing with the animals, and also feeling guilty and wasteful that I did not eat what I hunted.   And also, cleaning my car after using it to hunt is really gross.

So, from now on, I intend to use a gun to hunt animals.  

I just need someone to hold the wheel while I aim out the window!

**This blog post brought to you by Dodge.

Gotta Mosey!

Airport Antics

"Travel is only glamorous in retrospect." ~ Paul Theroux

I am a couple of days short of four weeks until Butterfly and I leave for California.  As I prepare to fly back to my home state, I have had to think a lot about packing.  Usually, we drive and I have lots of room for multiple suitcases and ice chests for two days' worth of snacks.  Now that Butterfly and I are traveling by plane, I am having to plan much more strategically.  This planning is beginning to spill over into the other areas of my trip.

Part of the time we are in California, we will be working.  The rest of the time is leisure time with friends and family to enjoy Butterfly's new life as a college grad.  So, I want to make sure we make the most of our time.  I don't want to get sick.  I don't want to miss my flight.  I don't want any travel disasters to overtake us.  Therefore, I have been researching all kinds of things to avoid when I travel so that my trip remains productive, orderly and enjoyable.

According to BootsNAll, the #1 travel pitfall  to avoid is an area prone to natural disasters.  Ummmm...did I mention we are going to CALIFORNIA?

San Francisco Bay Bridge following the Loma Prieta Earthquake 1989

The Great Quake of 1908

Bet your state doesn't even HAVE an Earthquake Authority!

This is what my whole child looked like.  DUCK and COVER!

California has approximately 37,000 earthquakes a year!  Roughly 10,000 of them occur in Southern California, where they are well deserved.  But the rest happen in the other parts of the state.  We will be in Northern California where some of those other TWENTY SEVEN THOUSAND quakes shake it!  Fat chance on avoiding natural disasters!

The next pitfall to avoid says, Readers Digest, is being seated next to a drunk passenger on your flight.  During a recent international flight, a man drank a whole bottle of duty-free alcohol and became unruly and out of control.  Ya think?  The flight attendants took care of the situation with a roll of duct tape. Yes, they strapped him to his seat with duct tape to the point that he was unable to break free! This must be why Magellan's  travel goods site sells travel size duct tape - just in case the stewardesses need help. Think my neighbors will mind if I practice on their cat?

Another travel nightmare to try to circumvent is losing your luggage.  I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my bags will be lost.  I am coming from a state dumb enough to legalize recreational marijuana use to a state that desperately WANTS legalized recreational pot.  You know some of those guys are gonna take off with my bag in hopes for a little Rocky Mountain High.  Won't they be sorry when they find out I am not that kind of girl!  Sorry enough to ditch my luggage, I bet!  I am thinking that this suitcase might make those airport guys stay away from my bag.  I like it in green.  What do you think?

Of course my biggest travel woe to be concerned with is the one that I have spent countless childhood hours being asked to solve already:  "A 555 mile, 5 hour plane trip was flown at two speeds.  For the first part of the trip, the plane flew at 105 mph.  Then a tailwind picked up and the plane flew the rest of the way at 115 mph.  For how long did the plane fly at each speed?"   This travel anxiety provided courtesy of  Purple Math.  Fortunately, all those years of word problems in school helped me with this answer.

Solution:  Who cares?  As long as I am ON the plane!

See you on the ground. Right now, I

Gotta Mosey

Kentucky Yucky

 "Build a better mousetrap and the world will beat a path to your door." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

 If you are considering some Road Trip Fun anytime soon, I think it is only fair to warn you that road tripping is not for the faint of heart.  You need to be flexible, polite...and...well....quite brave!  If you read my posts from the past couple of days, you have learned that eating on the road requires a bit of courage sometimes.  But, dining out isn't the only act that elicits bravery when you are on a road trip.  If you are traveling overnight, you also need to consider accommodations.  Hotels and motels can be far scarier than the eating establishments when you are traveling.  And if you are in Kentucky, eating AND sleeping is challenging!


Last summer, after we left the Awful Waffle, we made our way to Williamsburg, VA.  After a few GLORIOUS days there, we left Williamsburg and headed to Norfolk where Kahuna was catching a flight home. And leaving us to fend for ourselves. Before we dropped him at the airport, we stopped at a hotel to book a room and were surprised to find that the hotel had NONE.  This had never happened to us before.  When we asked if the hotel could recommend another place, they said anywhere NOT in Virginia Beach or Norfolk, as the Navy was deploying and everyone and their brother had rented every single room in every single hotel for miles around.  We sat in our car for the next half hour calling around and trying to find a hotel.  We finally got one.  Clear back in Newport News, near Williamsburg.  We went all the way up there, had dinner, and then I took Kahuna all the way back to Norfolk before driving all the way back to the hotel.

Travel Rule #1: Be flexible....and make sure you book in advance.  

Before I took Kahuna to the airport, we all went to a restaurant for dinner.  The hotel manager suggested Taco Bell.  When we asked if there was anything else, he told us if we were looking for "fine dining" we should try Luigi's.  We weren't looking for a fine dining experience, since that is virtually impossible to enjoy with 5 and 7 year old boys who have been cooped up in a car all day and really just want to go swimming in the hotel pool (because the one in Williamsburg was being repaired)...but our only other option was "Chinese Food".  That was the actual name of the restaurant....Chinese Food.   We were almost willing to ignore the complete lack of creativity in the name of the restaurant, but the description made us think twice.  Philippino (Filippino), Chinese and Thai.  Since my husband and children are Chinese, and since I am an educated person, one thing I know is, not all Asians are the same.  Stick with one food and do it well...don't try to appeal to the masses.  So, given the choices, we opted for Luigi's Fine Dining.

The first thing I noticed when I walked into Luigi's is that one of the owners of the establishment looked a lot like my Great Aunt.  That is a good thing.  My Great Aunt Mary was an amazing cook!  The second detail that caught my attention was the overwhelming aroma of mothballs.  Ugh.  Everything about the restaurant smelled like it had been sitting in an attic somewhere for decades, but what are you going to do when you skipped lunch and everyone is starving?  Our waitress, Helen (not her real name), greeted us and was quite knowledgeable about what we would and would not like.  Such as her determination that we would NOT enjoy the Greek Salad, because it was "boring" and that instead we would want an Antipasto Salad.  Helen, our 5' 10" blond waitress then proceeded to educate me, the Sicilian, as to what Antipasto was!  I mentioned that since we were having a lot of the same meat on our pizza as was in the Antipasto, we probably were good with the Greek salad.  She insisted this was a waste of her time to make and of our taste buds.  We got the Antipasto.  Once Helen settled what kind of salad we would be having, we asked her what the "Sicilian Special" pizza was.  She answered with a burly, "You don't want that."  Really?  How did she know that?  She then explained that it takes 45 minutes to make the Sicilian Special because, "they have to make the dough".  Hmmmmm....what were they using for the regular pizza we were ordering?  I decided not to ask, as Helen had already made up her mind what was best for our family and how much would be required.  Once we polished off our salad and pizza, Helen continued to remark on "how much" we ate!  She told tales to us of every patron who came in and had to take boxes of food home because they couldn't finish all the food provided.  Now, I ask you, WHY was she surprised that we ate it all?  SHE is the one who told us how much to get to feed our family.  There was no choice involved.  She wrote it on the order pad and TOLD us what we were getting!  She went on and on about our ability to do what no one else could and I began to weigh the pro's and con's of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig and Nutri-System.  Surely she was saying I needed to be doing one of them!!  She remarked about "all the kids" I had, and was surprised to hear we had one more.  She asked about her, and as I started to tell her that our other daughter was our oldest she just walked off.  Clearly, there was no love connection between our family and Helen, which is why I was totally caught off guard when she brought us our check with a pouty lip about how sad she was that we were not coming back.  Pretty sure she was just trying to boost her tip.

Travel Rule #2:  Be polite to the locals.  And never bet against a Sicilian in a food war!

The next day, our ride was completely uneventful and easy.  No problems or challenges.  Even with Kahuna gone.

And then we got to the hotel.

Our hotel tonight was wonderful!  Two queen beds that were actually QUEEN size beds and not doubles.  A lovely vanilla smell.  Comfy quarters and Little House on the Prairie playing on a continuous loop.

So....imagine my surprise, when late at night after all my kids have bathed and gotten into bed, I pulled out the nightstand to search for an outlet for my phone charger and found a MOUSE TRAP instead!!!!  WHAT?!  It was a glue trap, not the conventional snap-o-the-neck kind.  I could see little droppings!  YIKES!  I refused to look inside the torture device.  Of course I called down to the desk to see if there was any way I could move to a room that did not have a mouse issue.  OF COURSE, every room was booked!  REALLY???  Is the Navy deploying from Kentucky, too????  I hung up the phone and the kids and I proceeded to flip every mattress and checked every single square inch of the room looking for more signs of rodents.  At this point, I find it necessary to tell you that we had been listening to Redwall with the boys on this drive and Spidey thought it was quite sad that there might be a chivalrous mouse stuck inside a rodent tent trap.  The girls and I worried more about Cluny the Scourge (a rat) being on the prowl.  The kind desk gal did tell me that they would discount my room....DISCOUNT?  It should have been FREE!  I was stuck in a strange, small town in Kentucky for goodness sakes!  Too late to go anywhere else!!  Discount???

I called back down to the desk and asked them to send someone up to at least take the trap out of the room.  The girl at the desk kindly offered to come get it herself since she was "not afraid of it".  I am not afraid of it either...I just don't think I, a paying guest should have to deal with it!  Gross.  Once she came upstairs, she removed the trap and looked inside and pleasantly said, "See?  Nothing inside."  Ummmm....I think that was supposed to comfort me.  But it didn't.  Doesn't an empty trap mean that there is still a mouse on the loose????  I had nowhere to go and it was too late to pack the car and head for who knows where.  I mean...it was Kentucky!  The place that as we crossed the state line, inspired my seven year old to say, "Welcome to Hellburg!" because "that's what it looks like!"  It isn't like there were a lot of choices close by!  Ugh!

So....there I sat all night.  Unable to sleep.  Listening for the pitter patter of tiny feet.  Which brings us to....

Travel Rule #3:  Challenges on the road grow your character and your courage and make GREAT blog posts!

I can't wait to see what my trip to California brings.  Time to get a move on because I

Gotta Mosey