Jurassic Nightmare

"God creates dinosaurs, God kills dinosaurs, God creates man, man kills God, man brings back dinosaurs."  - Ian Malcom, Jurassic Park

This summer, I have done a little traveling, but due to the fires in my backyard, I have not been as engaged in my travels as I would like.  Good thing my friend Rachel, over at The Doctor Dances has been traveling!  She is the contributor of today's post!  Enjoy her adventure!

I never thought that I could ever be genuinely terrified of Dinosaurs. That is, until a recent experience I had with them.


My family recently took a vacation to Gatlinburg, Tennessee. We spent some time in Pigeon Forge, and my Mom, older sister, younger brother, and myself noticed a Jurassic Riverboat Adventure and wanted to go on it. After all, our favorite ride at Universal Studios is the Jurassic Park ride. Sure, this one wasn’t officially “Jurassic Park,” but how bad could it be?


Awful.


No. Let me amend that.


Horrendous.


The outside was innocently deceptive. Smaller, not-very-good-quality dinosaur animatronics stood outside to greet us. There were some explorer dummies observing the dinosaurs. Sure, there was a giant T-Rex head that popped out now and then, but even that wasn’t very scary. At least, the dummies didn’t seem to think so.


After we paid the ridiculous price of $50 dollars for the four of us to ride, we waited for the next boat to arrive at the loading dock. Although the people exiting the ride seemed a little phased, we were too excited and pretending to be scared that we didn’t really pay too much attention to them. We should have heeded the signs.


The four of us were the only passengers as we slid into the second row of the boat for what we thought would be a majestic journey. “Mom, can I sit next to you?” I joked. But when we entered, I had never been so glad to be sitting next to Mom in my entire life.


First of all, the ride moved painfully slowly. And the building was pitch-black. And you didn’t have seat restraints. And the door behind you was big and it shut tight when you entered. AND it was pitch-black. And there were really loud noises. And almost all of the animatronics could have been touched. And did I mention it was pitch-black?


Normally on rides like this I get semi-scared.  In a good, fun way. On this ride, I was terrified in a horrible, I’m-literally-going-to-be-eaten way. Because it was so dark, we had no idea where the animatronics were going to come from. Sudden loud noises and a fake dinosaur jumping out of an unexpected place right near you where you can almost touch it might not sound scary at first, however, you know how in normal rides you are a good space away from the animatronics and they’re stopped before they come that close to you?

Not in this psycho-house. The boat would stop, the dinosaur would jump out. And then...then it would lower and come closer. And closer. And right when you think it’s stopping, it comes even closer. In an enclosed space where you are stopped and you have no hope of escaping! What are our first thoughts? Throw the 12 year old at it!


We seriously thought that one of us was going to get eaten at one point or other. You may laugh at this, but it’s true. I have never heard any of us scream that loud in my entire life. The animatronics weren’t even that good. But the atmosphere and the fear of being stuck on the ride because of how slow it moved were enough to brew nightmares. I’ll get to that later, though.

Then, as if playing the game of "How Long Can You Survive" wasn’t fun enough, we approached this cute little raptor. Don’t ever be fooled by the raptors. They always spit. The second, huge raptor that we encountered nailed Mom (who despises getting wet) right in the face. Bad experience, much?


After at least six minutes (it felt like an eternity) of torture (seriously, the government should consider using this to extract information from people), we finally reached the exit doors.


What have we learned from this ride? Don’t be deceived! Were we really about to exit? Oh, no. Not a chance.


The boat started lifting. Higher. And higher. And higher. And just when you thought it would stop, it kept lifting higher! I wasn’t even looking at this point. But the others said that we were facing another T-Rex. No hope of escape, fear of being possibly dumped into the water, and we were forced to face right at him. This is why I closed my eyes.


Was it over yet? What has the ride taught us? Yup, that’s right. Another T-Rex jumped out from the side. Finally, after all of that, the boat lowered and we were released from the horror movie prison. Never shall I ever step foot near that ride again. Any dream of wanting to see a real life dinosaur has been shattered.


Did the terror end there? Oh no, of course not. That night I had a hard time falling asleep and almost had nightmares because of it; Mom actually did have nightmares.


What has this ride taught us?

1. Look up reviews of rides BEFORE you ride them
2. Don’t trust anything Jurassic unless it is specifically Jurassic Park in Universal Studios.
3. Don’t be deceived by dinosaur rides.
4. STAY AWAY FROM THIS RIDE! DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY! PART OF YOUR LIFE IS SUCKED AWAY FROM YOU WHEN YOU DO! BEWARE!


And don’t even think that it’s so bad that it’s good. And don’t think that this is such a funny or mysterious blog post that you should ride it. Don’t support the ride, don’t waste the money, and don’t give into the temptation. It is not worth it. Go somewhere else that is more interesting and far better. If you really must see it, there are YouTube videos out there.


But whatever you do: DON’T RIDE THIS RIDE!

Jill's note:  I CAN'T WAIT TO GO ON THIS RIDE!!!!! But, until I get back to Tennessee, I 

Gotta Mosey!

Get Out Of Denver, Better Go! Go!

“The people in flight from the terror behind-strange things happen to them, some bitterly cruel and some so beautiful that the faith is refired forever.”  ~ John Steinbeck, The Grapes of Wrath

I am back from my trip to California.  And when I say, "I am back", let me tell you, that was no easy feat!  Just about every single fear I have related to flying in an airplane and being in an airport were confirmed on my trip!  So...if you are tuning in today to see how to survive the wild ride from Denver to San Jose and back again...you picked a great day to blog surf!

Every SINGLE thing that could go wrong, went wrong at the Denver Airport at the start of our travels.  Every. Single. Thing.  Starting with the drive up to the airport.

If you have read about my other escapades at the airport here, then you know that before you even get on a flight in Denver, you have had to overcome several other challenges first.  But this day was like no other I have experienced.  On this particular day that we departed for the airport, it seemed like the same ol' thing. We were blown all over the highway again.  There were the usual tumbleweeds to keep the near 70 mile obstacle course interesting. This time, however, we had an added new bonus I had not experienced before. We were transported to Depression Era Oklahoma!  Yes!  It is true....both Time and Geographical Travel overcame us on our drive in our Dodge TARDIS.  As we made our way toward the airport, it became darker, and darker. We looked northwest, but all we could see was an ENORMOUS dust cloud of depression era proportion!  I expected the Joads to pull up alongside us in their jalopy at any moment.  As the wind grew gustier, the dust became so thick we could hardly see the other cars on the road.  Great!  As I considered both the wind and visibility factors for my flight, it was hard to tell if the car was shaking from the gale force winds blowing it, or from me shuddering from sheer terror.  It was the first time ever that I couldn't wait to get to the airport...if only to escape the blind car ride.

Road to Denver International Airport (kinda)

Once we actually arrived at the airport a whole other trial confronted us!  How to get our bags out of the car without them or us blowing away!  We were having gusts of 60 mph winds and our suitcases were paying the price.  But the worst was how the wind blew us!  As I grabbed a hold of Butterfly to pull her into the safety of the airport (there is a term I never thought I would use...or would be true!), I had a vision of her flying up in the air and me flying her like a kite while I tried to wrestle her inside.  It was horrifying, I tell you!

Me and Butterfly

It is hard to believe that I actually felt safer at the airport than on the road....but that tells you just how bad it was.  As we made our way into the the airport, it seemed the horrible parts were coming to an end and I would only have to deal with my irrational fear of flying now.  But, it just can never be that easy if involves me, a trip and an airplane.  Sigh.

After Butterfly and I checked in and gave our personal belongings over to airline staff, we climbed aboard the train to take us to the C Terminal where our airline was located.  We exited the train and decided to eat a little dinner and calm ourselves myself for our flight.  After we finished our extremely overpriced and barely average dinner (not exactly what I had hoped for for what could possibly be my last meal...even criminals get something better than that!), we headed over to our gate and found...it didn't exist.  Well at least not in the C Terminal!  Turns out, ha, ha, that our airline actually has gates in TWO terminals on opposite ends of the airport, and we were in the wrong one.  Remember the OJ Simpson Hertz ads?  Yeah, that was us!  We ran all the way to the train and then we ran all the way to our gate, where everyone was already lined up.  As we stood gasping for air, we listened to the announcement coming over the loudspeaker for our flight.  It seemed our plane had ice on the wings.  Which is bad.  But, we had plenty of de-icer. Which is good.  But, it was so windy that they couldn't de-ice the plane because the fluid kept icing up due to the wind gusts.  Which is very, very bad.  

Did I mention that the reason the winds were so cold was because we had a blizzard on the way?  And that every minute we stayed on the ground increased our chances of not being able to leave?  Or, worse yet, having to fly through the blizzard?! True story.

We sat awaiting more information and making polite conversation with people around us.  When our plane was 3 hours delayed, people around us started booking hotel rooms and getting taxis.  But, still we waited.  When we were 3.5 hours delayed, the woman next to us finally admitted she was hoping they would cancel the flight as "she didn't want to die today anyway."  I laughed and admitted that I was scared to fly too...especially since if we weren't cancelled, we had to hope the de-icer actually worked and then we would be flying through the blizzard.  Directly following this conversation, when our flight was 3.5 hours and two minutes delayed and all of our confessions of fear and death were still hanging in the air, they announced that they would be boarding our plane!

Before they started boarding, I made a trip to the restroom where I ran into a nun.  No....I don't mean I came into the bathroom and there was a nun.  I mean as I was rounding the corner to the bathroom from one side, she was rounding the corner from the other and I ran into her and stepped on her habit!  Surely, I thought, there is some sort of divine discipline for stepping on a nun!  And as I pondered what that might possibly mean for me on this flight, I remembered seeing a nun on a plane before....

Anyone remember the fun flick this clip is from?  Yeah, that's right.....the 1975 disaster film, Airport 1975, about a jet that collides with a smaller plane and fights against gravity without a pilot for the rest of the film!  Not only that....but check out the cutie pie that the nun is singing to.  Is anyone else freaked out that the nun is singing to the kid from the Exorcist???  In my mind, my flight was spiraling downward, possibly in a literal sense, as I left the restroom and noticed the Sister was on our flight.  Really?!  Oh, God has such a sense of humor!

It was amongst all of this that I boarded our flight with fear and trepidation....and flew one of the smoothest flights I have been on in a long time.  I am sure Butterfly was more thankful than I about that.  

Overall, the flight was tolerable and led to a great trip.  I will have to tell you more about that later, cuz right now, I

Gotta Mosey.

Daytripper - Min Svenska Semester

After finally getting some good travel weather here in Colorado, I decided to make a trek with the family.  I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone.  I would prepare for my fall trip to Lindsborg, KS, where I will be searching for Dala Horses while dancing in the street, AND buy some much needed new bowls.  And when you are buying cheap consumer goods and rubbing elbows with all things Swedish here in the States, you can only be at one place!

IKEA.

Yes, I know everything one buys at IKEA is only expected to last a short time.  But, I am still not convinced that is because it is poor quality.  I think it has something to do with the fact that we Americans cannot read the Swedish assembly directions, nor can we understand the schematic pages included.  It matters not...IKEA is a one day Swedish Vacation.  A chance to experience a little bit of Scandinavia without paying big bucks and mental breakdowns to fly there.  It's perfect!  So off we went.

It has been a long time since I have gone to IKEA with the whole family.  As a matter of fact, I am not sure Lizard Boy has ever been, and in his 6 little years, I know Spidey has never set foot inside.  Even the Big Kahuna hasn't braved the store since Junior was a baby, 12 or 13 years ago!  Have you ever had that experience where something seemed pretty cool when you went with your friends, but then you went again with your family and you had a whole different filter?  The things that were "neat" before, are slightly wrong now that you are with children?  Yeah, that happened to me, too.

It's not that IKEA is a bad place.  It's just...hmmm...it's just....uhhhh....it's just...not quite right in the head.  It is kind of like going to the circus.  You know it is supposed to be fun.  You know it should awe and amaze you.  But, really, you're just waiting for a clown to rip out a Psycho knife and go to town on the audience!  Somethin' ain't quite right.  And going to the retail moderskepp (mother ship) with my kids made me acutely aware of that fact!

Still trying to figure out what I am talking about?  Let me give you some examples:

Probably the most difficult thing to overcome, at first, is that nothing is as it seems. Due to the items' "unique European design", it is hard to tell what their use is.  Swedish things don't look like American things.  So, we need labels.  Which IKEA complies with...not that it helps us understand Scandinavian reasoning. Nothing is just a cup or a vase or a blanket.  No, they all have crazy names. Take for instance...this unusual item.

In the words of Lizard Boy..."What IS that?"  Unfortunately, I could not answer him.  The good news on this particular item, however, is that it did come with a label....

Ahhhh, yes, of course!  A bowl!  I never would have guessed with all the holes in it, that it would be a device for eating, say, soup, out of!  Those wacky Swedes!  Ha ha, chuckle, chuckle, cough, cough....gag.

To my chagrin, this was the last item that was clearly labeled.  Everything else was just a crap shoot!  Some things were obvious, like this lovely child's toy:

It is obviously a play tent.  In fact, in IKEA-ese, it is a:

That was an easy one.  But from there on out, no names gave any clue as to what the item was!  If I had been given a handful of tags with instructions to match it to the item in the store they represented...I would still be there!  Honestly, I felt like I was trapped in Disney's The Little Mermaid.  I was looking for Snarfblatts and Dinglehoffers the whole time I was there.  

But the labeling turned out to be the least of my worries.  

Really the most sinister side of IKEA became evident as we entered the Children's section, or as they call it, Smol-something-or-other.  I can't remember anymore.  It's all just a tangle of letters and umlauts after awhile!!  Anyway...the kids section is where I began to have grave concerns regarding bringing my children to IKEA.  This should have been the "safe" section of the store, but it was like the carnival.  Bright colored, inviting, with fun music and little animals frolicking on all of their wares....but you were still waiting for a wicked carnie to jump out at you at any moment!  It seemed innocuous at first.  But that's how they hook you.  It is so inviting, the barnavdelning (children's section).  They entice the youngsters with a fun little entrance that puts them on their knees to crawl into the Rabbit Hole that leads them to some freakish version of Wonderland (and that is saying something, because Alice in Wonderland is freakish already!)

I should have known all was not as it seemed.  Considering this foreboding entrance...

Oh, sure, at first glance it looks like all  friendship and huggy hearts, but what it really is is just a reworking of this little lovely...

Dead Kids Tell No Tales

  Once you make your way through the crawlspace, IKEA then starts instilling a false sense of security in your children.  Like the bully at school who befriends you first and then pummels you for lunch money later!  It seems innocent enough...sweet bunnies in magicians' hats.  

Or cute Moosenkuffen:

Or Frogelmonkeystats:

Toys for children.  Sweet children.  Sweet toys.  But in reality, it is just like the evil Queen and King in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...luring children out into the streets with toys, candy and Swedish Meatballs and then locking them up in prison!  As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is Swedish for, "We got you now, you little pipsqueaks!"

Note the driver's Evil Magician Hat!

Before you know it, your children are spirited away from you as they wander further into the IKEA Children's Section, where the Super Store continues their sick plot to completely wig your kids out!  It is all a subtle attack to play with your kids' heads.  For example, look at these sweet curtains, with the very popular owl motif we see everywhere...

Cute, right?  Moons and sleepytime birds watching over your little sweet peas.  Doesn't get much more innocent, does it?  OR DOES IT????  Have a closer look....

Just as your little darlings are saying, "Good Night Moon" to their dreamy curtains, this GIANT spider comes into view!  REALLY?  Do Swedes not have enough trouble trying to get their kids to sleep like we Americans do??  WHY do there need to be tarantulas hiding in every pleat?!  Mean, I tell you...just plain contemptible!  

But maybe you are one of the smart ones.  You see the poisonous spider on these curtains, so you opt for animal friend curtains instead.  Something to send your kiddos off to Sweet Dreamland.  Furry, fuzzy, fun and cute. 

What could be more inviting to Dreamville than these little critters trotting along.  In fact, they seem to be in a hurry to get to Sandland.  On closer observance, though, we see their pace has nothing at all to do with getting to sleep.  They are actually trying to escape the jowls of their fearsome enemy!

Ah yes, nothing (in Sweden) says, "Sleep Tight!" like the ravenous Big, Bad Wolf!  That poor unsuspecting porcupine is just like your innocent babies!!!!  

So what is a kid to do when they are surrounded by hulking spiders and murderous wolves in their bedroom at night?  Hide in their little garden-themed bedding of course.  (also available at IKEA)

Now, THAT's more like it.  A precious garden to lay down their little sleepy heads.  Tranquil and serene.  Or is it?  I ask you....OR IS IT?!  Because look at who oversees the garden!

Oh sure, there are little hearts between the couple.  But, c'mon.  You know this is all you see when you look at this bedspread:

Also Scandinavian, I might add....Freaks!

How is THAT supposed to relax a Kindergartner?!  It's just a nightmare waiting to happen!!!  It's that kind of freakshow that caused Jef to ask, upon escaping the Kids' Nightmare on Alm Gata, "Is that a chair or a dead frog?"  You be the judge....it's hard to tell at IKEA.

Once, we got out of the Children's area, we were hungry from wandering the IKEA maze for THREE HOURS.  So, we meandered around for another half hour as we tried to find our way upstairs to the cafe, where we found this little peace of mind before ordering dinner:

No horse meat there!  No matter...we might not have cared.  We were just hungry, scared and scarred tourists at this point!  We just needed food and an escape route! Which we found, tak och lov!

As we counted ourselves lucky to make it out of IKEA without losing any children, we noticed two things that may explain why IKEA executives have hindered judgment:

A little too much of this available to them in the store:

Just WHAT makes it so festive??

And check out what they supply in the parking lot on the way out:

In any case, I ended up with some fantastic bowls at a fraction of the cost of what I would have been charged at a less adventurous store, so I count it as a profitable vacation.

Have you ever been to IKEA?  Let me know your survival stories in the comments section!  Right now, I

Gotta Mosey!

California Funshine Dream Destinations

"The coldest winter I ever spent, was summer in San Francisco." ~ Mark Twain

Butterfly finishes her college courses this Saturday (WHOOP!), and after she sleeps for a week, I am looking forward to planning some Dream Destination stops with her for our trip to California. I miss our friends and family in the Golden State, but I don't miss living there.  There is much to be said for the clean air, blue sky, mountains and breathing room of Colorado, where we now live.  That said, there are some places in California that just can't be replicated in any other part of the world...and I want to make sure that we get to revisit them while we are there!

Without further ado...here are my Golden State Dream Destination (NorCal edition):

1.  San Francisco Chinatown.  San Francisco Chinatown is the largest Chinatown outside of Asia, as well as the oldest Chinatown in North America.  It is comprised of only 24 blocks. The open air markets and apothecaries and bustling crowds are fascinating to take in.  The architecture from the street lamps to the Dragon Gate are also stunning.  I also enjoy watching the elders playing Chinese chess in Portsmouth Square. Another fun thing to do is take a tour of a fortune cookie factory (I hesitate to call it a factory, as it is just one small room...but fun to watch). Currently, ten of Emperor Qin Shihuang's Terracotta Warriors are on display with other artifacts at the Asian Art Museum in Chinatown and I would like to see that.   But, the main reason to go to Chinatown is for the food!  Restaurants, big and small, abound and you can eat from one end of Chinatown to the other and never eat the same thing!!

2. Gizdich Ranch.  Gizdich is a family owned farm in Watsonville that has acres and acres of fruit!  Admittedly, the best time to visit the ranch is in summer when the berries are crazy on the vines!  You can pick strawberries, blackberries and gigantic ollalieberries!  Besides their berries, they have a large apple orchard consisting of 16 varieties of apples, which may be picked in the fall.  Also, in the fall, they have a pumpkin field.  So, what is in season when I am there in April?  PIE!!!!  Gizdich makes the BEST pies ever!!!  While the fields and orchards may not be ready with ripe fruit in the spring, the pies are ever available.  The ranch also has a working apple press for their amazing juice that you can watch in action throughout the year.  My favorite thing about Gizdich pies, is that they top off a meal from my absolute favorite restaurant in the world, which is just down the highway from Gizdich and is stop #3 of my Dream Destinations.

3. Phil's Fish Market.   Oh. My. Goodness.  Ohmygoodness! OH MY GOODNESS! I make their amazing cioppino at home, but there is something about rolling in off the beach into this actual cement floor, sandy, no-frills restaurant and ordering Fettuccine with Crabmeat and Bay Shrimp in a Saffron Cream Sauce that just can't be reproduced at home!  There is absolutely NOTHING fancy about Phil's except the food.  Often, the line is long...but well worth the wait.  Bring a sweatshirt, as the market is somewhat open air.  And put a pin on the map to show where you are from.  Probably the nicest thing about Phil's...is Phil, who can almost always be spotted checking in with the patrons!  Oh...I am hungry now!

4. Monterey/Carmel.  Hands-down, the most amazing real estate in California is this area!  And on the 17 Mile Drive, you can see the best of the best of this area!  Wildlife, ocean life, seals, Pebble Beach and other golf courses, amazing homes and ocean views are all peppered along this stretch of California's coast!  I find the need for oxygen whenever I go on this drive because every view from every angle is breathtaking!  

Carmel is gorgeous, and Ocean Beach is a phenomenal place to take a walk on white sands.  But, just up the street from the beach is MY favorite place in Carmel-by-the-Sea.  The Cottage of Sweets is a candy shop that sells old time candy and unusual treats, too.  When we go, we ALWAYS order the Turkish Delight.  But, the most delightful thing about that Turkish Delight is not the candy itself, which is pretty extraordinary, but the conversation.  The man who owns the shop will start a whole Narnia conversation with you if you order it.  He stands about 5'6" and when he asks you who your favorite Narnia character is and why, he is happy to share that the height challenged Reepacheep is his!  Because little guys can do GREAT things!  It is definitely worth the stop in.

As stunning as the Monterey Bay area is...there is one place that everyone loves that I HOPE I do not have to visit.  I say this in vain, because I am usually outnumbered by the people I am with.  But, I just have to say, if I never ever visit the Monterey Bay Aquarium again, it will be too soon. 

Okay....these guys are safe.....but....

Dark and Scary Monterey Bay Aquarium

I know that the aquarium is world-renowned and considered quite a feat in aquatic study and development, but to me it is a nightmare just waiting to happen!

I should mention that a close second to my fear of flying is fear of aquariums.  Well, not the aquarium itself, but the things IN the aquarium.  And not really all things (I really like the bat rays), just some things.  Mainly, sharks.  And besides being afraid of flying, aquariums and sharks, I also am petrified of earthquakes.  And also drowning.  So...when I am at the Monterey Bay Aquarium, all I can think is that we are going to have some 8.0 earthquake, all the glass is going to break and it will be a race to see whether I drown or get eaten by a set free shark first!  Oh, they try to make it all friendly with cute, little bat rays you can touch, shorebirds, fun-loving otters and innocent touch pools...but the sharks are just waiting for their big chance at a last meal!  Don't laugh....it could happen.

Gotta Mosey!

Beats Driving Through Utah

"I hate flying.  Know why?  Because no one REALLY understands how planes actually work."

~ Adam Levine

I am now just four weeks away from traveling to California.  By airplane.  Which I hate.  A lot.  But, I am trying not to think about it and just prepare for the trip.  If I am honest though, as I make lists and update documents and think about wardrobe, I have to admit that the sinking feeling keeps entering my mind.

So, today, I share my therapy session.  That is, my list of reasons to appreciate flying to California instead of driving there.

The Top Reasons I am Glad That I am Not Driving to California

1. I will not have to look at Utah.   Utah ties with Arizona as the third ugliest state I have ever been in (with first and second place going to New Mexico and Nevada respectively).  And for all you people who enjoy the "unique rock formations" that Utah has to offer, let me just say, NO amount of cool rock formations can save that state from me calling it what it is - UG-A-LY!

2.  I will not have to drive through the Mojave Desert.  The only thing uglier than Utah is the Mojave Desert, which consists solely of dirt, heat and Joshua Trees.  I have learned on my numerous drives through that blighted area of California, that the only Joshua Tree I like is the album by U2.

3.  The airplane cabin is pressurized.   Thus eliminating the need to wear protective eye wear to arm myself against "spitting" applesauce and chip packages, as you must when driving in Colorado elevations.

4.  I won't have to drive past the Stockyards in Bakersfield.  I don't care WHO isn't wearing deodorant on the plane, the smell will never be as offensive as hundreds of cows in acres of their own "fertilizer"!

5.  I only have to endure 2.5 hours, instead of 2 days to reunite with friends and family that I miss tremendously!   'Nuff said.

I am off to print out this list so that I can continue referring to it whenever I start to panic about flying to California.

Gotta Mosey!

Wild Game Hunting with Jilly

"I'm an outdoors girl.  I like to go fishing, riding four wheelers and hunting." ~ Miranda Lambert

"Me, too...but I USE my four wheeler to hunt!" ~ Me

When you travel and expand your cultural horizons, you learn a lot of lessons.  I am not an exception to this rule, however, on a road trip last summer I learned lessons that I did not expect.

I am a super market, Costco kind of food provider, so it is interesting to me to know people who hunt.  I actually envy them.  The thought of someone in my family actually providing food for us without a trip to the grocery store is empowering.  Alas, being raised in a somewhat metropolitan suburb, hunting is something that alluded my husband and I growing up.  We tend to live vicariously through all the teenage young men we know and their dads.

BUT...on my trip last summer, I learned that I am a pretty good hunter.  After all, it takes real talent to kill animals without even trying!

I have never hit anything with my car.  Ever.  Well...okay...some bugs, but they don't count.  I mean that no human or animal have ever touched the front of my car, while it careened toward them at high speeds.

Until West Virginia....

Before I go on, I need to say that I was doing pretty well, because judging by all the roadkill on the sides of the roads in Missouri and West Virginia, every other car was hitting something!  I had not hit anything!  Not even close.  Not even a raccoon, which, according to the population of their corpses on the roadside are either the dumbest or slowest animals in the country.  (maybe both!)  So, I should have suspected that sudden death was lurking just beyond the next highway turn.  I was due.

West Virginia is the most beautiful state that I have been to outside of Hawaii.  So, there I was...driving along, enjoying the gorgeous view of the green, green mountains and untouched nature surrounding me, when it happened.  My friend made a slight move in her super sleek new car ahead of me. I thought she was just testing her new precision steering.  But, upon closer examination, there seemed to be something lolling in the roadway.  I might add at this time, that, while West Virginia is extremely lovely, their highway laws are ridiculous.  At any given time I have been on their highways, I have shared the road with approximately, 4 other cars, and still they have a 55mph speed limit!!  EXCEPT on the stretch of road we happened to be traveling at the time this story took place.  At that time, we were traveling a stretch of 70mph highway.  But, I digress...

So back to the story: something was in the middle of the highway lane and as I came closer, I could see it was some type of woodland creature.    A sort of sasquatch, giant squirrel-rodent-thing.  As I approached it, I tried to slow down, but my other friend was behind me.  And OF COURSE at this time, the normally deserted highway had cars surrounding me on all sides, so swerving was not an option!!  As I got closer to the fuzzy obstacle, it stopped and met my eyes with great fear...and he FROZE in one place.  THANK GOODNESS, because this allowed me to aim my car right over him so I would miss him completely.  This would have been the perfect measure to save the rodent's life, but at the last minute, he darted....and I hit him.  In my rear view mirror, I saw him tumble in front of my friend's car, as she narrowly missed him, and off the road.  I spent the rest of the drive mortified, even though the teenage boy in my car espoused my great aim!  

I spent the following week at Regent University where I did not need to drive my car, and therefore, spared any other wandering forest animals.  But...on the way home....I was unintentionally on the hunt again.

I had made it within 3.5 hours of home without mangling any other mammals.  That is when I switched to bird hunting which takes real skill when you are in a car.  I wasn't wasting my time with big birds like ducks, geese, pheasants, emu's....I was after more of a challenge...SPARROWS!  

I know we have all played Driving for Birds before but usually at the last moment, the bird excels upward and avoids impact with the car.  Birds tend to save real impact for more demanding objects, like sliding glass doors.  But not that day.  That day, as I drove through a swarm of sparrows, one was a little too slow.  Ugh.  It was quite tragic.

Because I had become such an excellent marksman on this cross-country jaunt, I actually employed quite  complex hunting proficiency.  I didn't just plow over the bird, I exercised real competence.  I first hit the poor, winged creature with the lower part of my windshield and bounced it to the hood of my car, where its remnants can still be viewed. Then I trounced it with my wheels, where I left the bird flailing in the middle of the road for the next car to barrel over.  

While I admit my hunting prowess seemed to have been taken to a higher level on this trip...before this, my hunting only included trying to find organic apples in a regular grocery store...hunting by car is not a pastime I would like to continue.  I found myself sympathizing with the animals, and also feeling guilty and wasteful that I did not eat what I hunted.   And also, cleaning my car after using it to hunt is really gross.

So, from now on, I intend to use a gun to hunt animals.  

I just need someone to hold the wheel while I aim out the window!

**This blog post brought to you by Dodge.

Gotta Mosey!

Airport Antics

"Travel is only glamorous in retrospect." ~ Paul Theroux

I am a couple of days short of four weeks until Butterfly and I leave for California.  As I prepare to fly back to my home state, I have had to think a lot about packing.  Usually, we drive and I have lots of room for multiple suitcases and ice chests for two days' worth of snacks.  Now that Butterfly and I are traveling by plane, I am having to plan much more strategically.  This planning is beginning to spill over into the other areas of my trip.

Part of the time we are in California, we will be working.  The rest of the time is leisure time with friends and family to enjoy Butterfly's new life as a college grad.  So, I want to make sure we make the most of our time.  I don't want to get sick.  I don't want to miss my flight.  I don't want any travel disasters to overtake us.  Therefore, I have been researching all kinds of things to avoid when I travel so that my trip remains productive, orderly and enjoyable.

According to BootsNAll, the #1 travel pitfall  to avoid is an area prone to natural disasters.  Ummmm...did I mention we are going to CALIFORNIA?

San Francisco Bay Bridge following the Loma Prieta Earthquake 1989

The Great Quake of 1908

Bet your state doesn't even HAVE an Earthquake Authority!

This is what my whole child looked like.  DUCK and COVER!

California has approximately 37,000 earthquakes a year!  Roughly 10,000 of them occur in Southern California, where they are well deserved.  But the rest happen in the other parts of the state.  We will be in Northern California where some of those other TWENTY SEVEN THOUSAND quakes shake it!  Fat chance on avoiding natural disasters!

The next pitfall to avoid says, Readers Digest, is being seated next to a drunk passenger on your flight.  During a recent international flight, a man drank a whole bottle of duty-free alcohol and became unruly and out of control.  Ya think?  The flight attendants took care of the situation with a roll of duct tape. Yes, they strapped him to his seat with duct tape to the point that he was unable to break free! This must be why Magellan's  travel goods site sells travel size duct tape - just in case the stewardesses need help. Think my neighbors will mind if I practice on their cat?

Another travel nightmare to try to circumvent is losing your luggage.  I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that my bags will be lost.  I am coming from a state dumb enough to legalize recreational marijuana use to a state that desperately WANTS legalized recreational pot.  You know some of those guys are gonna take off with my bag in hopes for a little Rocky Mountain High.  Won't they be sorry when they find out I am not that kind of girl!  Sorry enough to ditch my luggage, I bet!  I am thinking that this suitcase might make those airport guys stay away from my bag.  I like it in green.  What do you think?

Of course my biggest travel woe to be concerned with is the one that I have spent countless childhood hours being asked to solve already:  "A 555 mile, 5 hour plane trip was flown at two speeds.  For the first part of the trip, the plane flew at 105 mph.  Then a tailwind picked up and the plane flew the rest of the way at 115 mph.  For how long did the plane fly at each speed?"   This travel anxiety provided courtesy of  Purple Math.  Fortunately, all those years of word problems in school helped me with this answer.

Solution:  Who cares?  As long as I am ON the plane!

See you on the ground. Right now, I

Gotta Mosey