Daytripper - Min Svenska Semester

After finally getting some good travel weather here in Colorado, I decided to make a trek with the family.  I figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone.  I would prepare for my fall trip to Lindsborg, KS, where I will be searching for Dala Horses while dancing in the street, AND buy some much needed new bowls.  And when you are buying cheap consumer goods and rubbing elbows with all things Swedish here in the States, you can only be at one place!

IKEA.

Yes, I know everything one buys at IKEA is only expected to last a short time.  But, I am still not convinced that is because it is poor quality.  I think it has something to do with the fact that we Americans cannot read the Swedish assembly directions, nor can we understand the schematic pages included.  It matters not...IKEA is a one day Swedish Vacation.  A chance to experience a little bit of Scandinavia without paying big bucks and mental breakdowns to fly there.  It's perfect!  So off we went.

It has been a long time since I have gone to IKEA with the whole family.  As a matter of fact, I am not sure Lizard Boy has ever been, and in his 6 little years, I know Spidey has never set foot inside.  Even the Big Kahuna hasn't braved the store since Junior was a baby, 12 or 13 years ago!  Have you ever had that experience where something seemed pretty cool when you went with your friends, but then you went again with your family and you had a whole different filter?  The things that were "neat" before, are slightly wrong now that you are with children?  Yeah, that happened to me, too.

It's not that IKEA is a bad place.  It's just...hmmm...it's just....uhhhh....it's just...not quite right in the head.  It is kind of like going to the circus.  You know it is supposed to be fun.  You know it should awe and amaze you.  But, really, you're just waiting for a clown to rip out a Psycho knife and go to town on the audience!  Somethin' ain't quite right.  And going to the retail moderskepp (mother ship) with my kids made me acutely aware of that fact!

Still trying to figure out what I am talking about?  Let me give you some examples:

Probably the most difficult thing to overcome, at first, is that nothing is as it seems. Due to the items' "unique European design", it is hard to tell what their use is.  Swedish things don't look like American things.  So, we need labels.  Which IKEA complies with...not that it helps us understand Scandinavian reasoning. Nothing is just a cup or a vase or a blanket.  No, they all have crazy names. Take for instance...this unusual item.

In the words of Lizard Boy..."What IS that?"  Unfortunately, I could not answer him.  The good news on this particular item, however, is that it did come with a label....

Ahhhh, yes, of course!  A bowl!  I never would have guessed with all the holes in it, that it would be a device for eating, say, soup, out of!  Those wacky Swedes!  Ha ha, chuckle, chuckle, cough, cough....gag.

To my chagrin, this was the last item that was clearly labeled.  Everything else was just a crap shoot!  Some things were obvious, like this lovely child's toy:

It is obviously a play tent.  In fact, in IKEA-ese, it is a:

That was an easy one.  But from there on out, no names gave any clue as to what the item was!  If I had been given a handful of tags with instructions to match it to the item in the store they represented...I would still be there!  Honestly, I felt like I was trapped in Disney's The Little Mermaid.  I was looking for Snarfblatts and Dinglehoffers the whole time I was there.  

But the labeling turned out to be the least of my worries.  

Really the most sinister side of IKEA became evident as we entered the Children's section, or as they call it, Smol-something-or-other.  I can't remember anymore.  It's all just a tangle of letters and umlauts after awhile!!  Anyway...the kids section is where I began to have grave concerns regarding bringing my children to IKEA.  This should have been the "safe" section of the store, but it was like the carnival.  Bright colored, inviting, with fun music and little animals frolicking on all of their wares....but you were still waiting for a wicked carnie to jump out at you at any moment!  It seemed innocuous at first.  But that's how they hook you.  It is so inviting, the barnavdelning (children's section).  They entice the youngsters with a fun little entrance that puts them on their knees to crawl into the Rabbit Hole that leads them to some freakish version of Wonderland (and that is saying something, because Alice in Wonderland is freakish already!)

I should have known all was not as it seemed.  Considering this foreboding entrance...

Oh, sure, at first glance it looks like all  friendship and huggy hearts, but what it really is is just a reworking of this little lovely...

Dead Kids Tell No Tales

  Once you make your way through the crawlspace, IKEA then starts instilling a false sense of security in your children.  Like the bully at school who befriends you first and then pummels you for lunch money later!  It seems innocent enough...sweet bunnies in magicians' hats.  

Or cute Moosenkuffen:

Or Frogelmonkeystats:

Toys for children.  Sweet children.  Sweet toys.  But in reality, it is just like the evil Queen and King in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...luring children out into the streets with toys, candy and Swedish Meatballs and then locking them up in prison!  As a matter of fact, I am pretty sure Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is Swedish for, "We got you now, you little pipsqueaks!"

Note the driver's Evil Magician Hat!

Before you know it, your children are spirited away from you as they wander further into the IKEA Children's Section, where the Super Store continues their sick plot to completely wig your kids out!  It is all a subtle attack to play with your kids' heads.  For example, look at these sweet curtains, with the very popular owl motif we see everywhere...

Cute, right?  Moons and sleepytime birds watching over your little sweet peas.  Doesn't get much more innocent, does it?  OR DOES IT????  Have a closer look....

Just as your little darlings are saying, "Good Night Moon" to their dreamy curtains, this GIANT spider comes into view!  REALLY?  Do Swedes not have enough trouble trying to get their kids to sleep like we Americans do??  WHY do there need to be tarantulas hiding in every pleat?!  Mean, I tell you...just plain contemptible!  

But maybe you are one of the smart ones.  You see the poisonous spider on these curtains, so you opt for animal friend curtains instead.  Something to send your kiddos off to Sweet Dreamland.  Furry, fuzzy, fun and cute. 

What could be more inviting to Dreamville than these little critters trotting along.  In fact, they seem to be in a hurry to get to Sandland.  On closer observance, though, we see their pace has nothing at all to do with getting to sleep.  They are actually trying to escape the jowls of their fearsome enemy!

Ah yes, nothing (in Sweden) says, "Sleep Tight!" like the ravenous Big, Bad Wolf!  That poor unsuspecting porcupine is just like your innocent babies!!!!  

So what is a kid to do when they are surrounded by hulking spiders and murderous wolves in their bedroom at night?  Hide in their little garden-themed bedding of course.  (also available at IKEA)

Now, THAT's more like it.  A precious garden to lay down their little sleepy heads.  Tranquil and serene.  Or is it?  I ask you....OR IS IT?!  Because look at who oversees the garden!

Oh sure, there are little hearts between the couple.  But, c'mon.  You know this is all you see when you look at this bedspread:

Also Scandinavian, I might add....Freaks!

How is THAT supposed to relax a Kindergartner?!  It's just a nightmare waiting to happen!!!  It's that kind of freakshow that caused Jef to ask, upon escaping the Kids' Nightmare on Alm Gata, "Is that a chair or a dead frog?"  You be the judge....it's hard to tell at IKEA.

Once, we got out of the Children's area, we were hungry from wandering the IKEA maze for THREE HOURS.  So, we meandered around for another half hour as we tried to find our way upstairs to the cafe, where we found this little peace of mind before ordering dinner:

No horse meat there!  No matter...we might not have cared.  We were just hungry, scared and scarred tourists at this point!  We just needed food and an escape route! Which we found, tak och lov!

As we counted ourselves lucky to make it out of IKEA without losing any children, we noticed two things that may explain why IKEA executives have hindered judgment:

A little too much of this available to them in the store:

Just WHAT makes it so festive??

And check out what they supply in the parking lot on the way out:

In any case, I ended up with some fantastic bowls at a fraction of the cost of what I would have been charged at a less adventurous store, so I count it as a profitable vacation.

Have you ever been to IKEA?  Let me know your survival stories in the comments section!  Right now, I

Gotta Mosey!