Long Train Runnin'

"My heart is warm with the friends I make,

And better friends, I'll not be knowing,

Yet, there isn't a train I wouldn't take,

No matter where it's going."

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay, The Selected Poetry

If you read my early posts, one thing is probably clear to you - I hate flying.  That is a gross understatement.  I mean I REALLY hate to fly. I have never enjoyed it, so a couple of years ago, I decided to do something “fun” instead as I traveled back east.  I decided taking the train would be a better travel choice.  I love to travel by train.  I have done it several times, including a long trip through Canada.  And it has been fun.

Well, if you consider Hell fun, that is.

Oh yes, did you know that is an actual Amtrak stop?  It is!  I have been there.  But perhaps I better back up a bit.

My friend Blondie, her daughter, JJ, my daughter, Jef and I began our adventure back in Denver.  Amtrak spares no expense at keeping things rip-roaring "fun"  from the very beginning.

I had been so excited to travel from the historic Union Station in Denver and became quite disappointed to find out that it was being overhauled and we had to leave from a temporary station instead.  

Which also happens to be invisible.

Yeah, I know….what?  But after following directions from MapQuest (this was before we owned Darth TomTom), and Blondie's iPhone’s GPS app AND  Kahuna's  surprisingly good sense of direction, we drove all around Coors Field without being able to find the train station.  After wandering aimlessly, we finally happened upon the station.  The station with parking for Mini Coopers only.

After 15 minutes of trying to maneuver our Durango into VW Clown Parking Only, we were able to park and get our luggage out and check in just in time to be late!  And to find out that the GIGANTIC suitcases we packed for checked baggage, could not be checked! 

The fun continued as we had to run, wheeling our GIGANTO-BAGS and lugging ALL of our carry on luggage (which consisted of at least 2 twenty-five pound bags of snacks) ACROSS THE STREET (because what sense does it make to build a temporary train station NEAR the train itself?), up the stairs to the platform and then onto the second story of the train.  (I am just saying….workout for the week was done at that point)

As we stowed our luggage and found our seats, we settled in and SAT on the track for an hour.  Sure am glad we rushed to get to that train!

Finally we got moving, made some PB&J sandwiches, washed up and went to sleep.  Thankfully, we slept through Kansas and awoke to a beautiful sunrise in Nebraska with sights set on getting to Chicago that afternoon where we would endure a FOUR hour lay-over before hopping our next train, the Capitol Limited, to Washington, DC.

Our first night of sleep was a little restless, but we were having fun.  REAL fun this time.  On the California Zephyr (the first train we were on), the snack bar was run by a phenomenal guy named, Frank!  He kept things light and funny.  He also used to do hair, and couldn’t keep his hands off Jef's “GREAT hair cut”.  Jef has HUGE personal space, so you can imagine how this was NOT a fun part of the trip for her!

We traveled on, enjoying Frank’s antics and the ride, but slowly, we became acutely aware of “the smell”.  Oh yes, it was not pleasant for any of us, but Blondie sprayed a whole bottle of Bath and Body Works Sanitizer Spray all over the train car to try to get rid of it.  She even threatened to throw up…but I am still not clear if it was because of the putrid bathroom smell, or the overdose of Brown Sugar Vanilla spray she was inundating us with!  

No matter, we would be in Chicago soon and onto a different train.

But WAIT!  There was more Amtrak fun to come…..

Unbeknownst to us, but apparently known to everyone else, including Amtrak employees, there had been a DERAILMENT involving an Amtrak train in Chicago’s Union Station that morning.  Not good.  Not for the train involved or any other trains trying to get in and out of Chicago that day.  The rail authorities were not letting any trains depart or arrive at Union Station.  Our Zephyr staff actually suggested we get off BEFORE Chicago (actually in IOWA) since we didn’t know when in the world they would actually let us into the station.

As it turned out, after all that panic, we got right into the station.  Union Station in Chicago is actually a stop in Hell.  Once you get off your train, you get boxed into a small space between two fire breathing engines and stand.  And Stand.  AND STAND!  Sweating, stinking, parching and STANDING!  Hot, sulfurous…I am telling you…dark and steamy….it was HELL! Finally, they let us out and into the Big Mess in the Great Hall of historic Chicago Union Station, where we got some FAB pictures. The Big Mess took a lot of sorting and we stood in line for a long time waiting for boarding instructions.  But, Amtrak must have a Disney mindset.  You know…make sure your visitors have something fun to watch/do so they won’t notice the wait.

Our in-station entertainment included, but was not limited to the following events:

*The Mad Dash – This event consisted of Amtrak employees telling you that you have to get out of the boarding area because you will not be boarding for a looooong time.  And then waiting for to hear through the grapevine that, indeed, you now DO need to be in the boarding area because you will be boarding at any moment.  The Mad Dash ensues.

*The Great Wait – This event follows the Mad Dash and is what you do for the next  two hours while you wait to board the train.

*The Strip-Tease – This entertainment seemed to be just for the stripper, as I didn’t see anyone else enjoying it, especially the sweet little Amish women who had a front row a seat.  The Stripper danced a jaunty jig, while unbuttoning his leopard-print shirt and then REMOVING his pants and slowly (way too slowly for me and the Amish gals) putting on a new pair.  He continued with his dancing for the next hour, much to the bonnet clad women’s horror. Absolutely, TRUE STORY.

*Pot Stumping – During the Great Wait and after the Strip Tease came the Pot Stumping.  This involved a very small, little, “different” (think Deliverance) man eyeing our girls up and down and expounding on the benefits of marijuana while showing us the lovely tattoo of the pot leaf on his arm.  He freaked us out a bit.

After all the lively entertainment, we finally boarded the train.  And this train was GREAT!  Lots of leg room…no invasive, offending odors, just a comfy, cozy ride. 

And good thing too.  It is good to be relaxed when Amtrak tells you that they have brake problems on your train and you will not make your connecting train but will be in Washington DC possibly overnight.

Fun. (still beats driving a roundabout any day!)

Well, I

Gotta Mosey!